Tag: stress

I Built This Prison: Excerpt: High Achiever with Low Self-Esteem


From I Built This Prison, Chapter 1, Pride Desperately Seeking Validation

“…I used to think of my unhappy self as some sort of a special brand of weirdo.  And in many ways the circumstances that have shaped my life were very specific.  However, the tangible outcome, the resulting state of mind – that yearning for validation – and not by everyone, but by a particular someone – it is not unique at all.  In fact, many people live the same daily struggle and suffer the overwhelming despair that comes with it.  

Since the moment I accepted that I have a problem and began examining my own condition, I started seeing it in others as well…

…Various forms of this desire for one’s value to be acknowledged and appreciated by the specific people we anoint as our yardsticks can be traced all the way to biblical and mythological sources. “Father’s blessing” as a token of love and recognition is at the center of practically every single sibling rivalry in Genesis, Greek mythology, and Norse lore.

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Despite its relative commonality, it’s not easy to define this condition in one straightforward formula. It’s full of paradoxical qualities.

For example, one of the most prominent common denominators among people who suffer from the rift within their self-image in the same way I do is the drive for overachieving. In spite of the deep, dark emotional abysses inside, on the outside we go out and display the superior levels of functionality.

It’s easy to confuse low self-esteem with the lack of confidence. Even some dictionaries explain one’s meaning with the other.  But they are, by far, not the same. Somehow, being absolutely clear about the extent of my capacities and striving to fully utilize them have always coexisted in me with thinking of myself as utterly worthless. In fact, the awareness of the merit I invested into my accomplishments made my craving of the acknowledgement that much more intense.

This malady is a bizarre cocktail of contradictions. It definitely paralyzed my aspirations and stunted all impulses of positive daring, but conventionally I was doing just fine. I still went about being a straight A student, acquiring multiple academic degrees, expanding my professional expertise, positioning myself at the executive level of the companies that hired me.

It’s like a dual-action trauma: on one hand, I was pounded into the chasm of neglectful diminishment; and on the other hand, I was motivated to swim up and out…”

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Beyond my parents “…my recognition-thirsty psyche… fixated on the worst option possible: my bosses. Granted, I’m not talking about some middle-management hired hands. At the very beginning of my professional career back in the 1990, I made a conscious choice of advancing it in the precarious environment of flat-structured, privately-held, owners-ran companies. I’ve held Controller and CFO positions since 1993 and I’ve never had any layers between myself and the Founder/CEO/President. It placed me and my efforts into the spotlight held by ‘the only people who mattered’ – the ones directly responsible for my appreciation and rewards.

A totally unbalanced logic led me to seek and expect (!) approval from these little Napoleons, the tiny kings in their kingdoms, the self-made entrepreneurs, from whom I chose to accept employment. It is mind-boggling that, even though I usually managed to quickly identify their professional shortcomings and human deficiencies, I remained completely blind to the futility of my hopes to be assessed by them in accordance with my merits.

Nietzsche saw the conscious understanding of one’s value as a natural distinction of someone with a ‘master’ mentality. And he attributed a man’s ‘waiting of an opinion about himself’ to the concept of a ‘servant’ mentality. He called the latter an ‘immense atavism’, implying that it belonged to the old times, when the society was clearly divided.

No matter who we are, when we submit into Employment, we are forced to adapt ourselves to the idea of servitude. And in some of us, it clashes terribly with our true identities.

♦♦♦     

Naturally, the continuous mental battle between the two modes of existence – the one, in which you know your value and are recognized for it, and the one, in which you are ignored and mistreated by those who matter the most – builds an incredibly debilitating pressure inside. This constant back-and-forth switches between someone’s recognition vs. someone else’s disregard, make you sick – and I don’t mean dizzy.       

My agitated mind needed to defend itself in one or another way. While I consciously refused to admit to myself that I had a problem, my subconsciousness has built a defense mechanism all on its own: It learned to seek comfort in the familiar groove of misery carved into my psyche by the repetitive escapes into the dark corners of depression, anxiety, self-loathing, and self-pity.

Just like a gramophone needle, I would drop into this loathsome rut and let myself run, and run, and run in it. And then again, and again, and again…  Every time I felt hurt by one or another situation, a word, or someone’s action – big or small, didn’t matter – I would habitually seek solace in an emotional state most psychiatric professionals would consider highly problematic.

I guess, my depression symptoms have always been somewhat plain to see, because even my primary physicians would suggest a medication. I’ve been on one or another anti-depressant and anti-anxiety pill for some stretches of time since I was 18 years old.  And then I’d stop taking them for the periods just as long.  Sometimes, for very legitimate reasons – like when I was pregnant. And sometimes I would quit for no reason at all. Probably, because I didn’t want to think of myself as crazy or weak.

But you see, even when I did take the medication, it didn’t really work on the internal turmoil.  Like most pharmaceuticals, psychiatric drugs are not the cures; they don’t treat the underlying conditions, they just mitigate the superficial symptoms, which is presumably important but hardly sufficient. 

I would come to a doctor and within the allotted appointment time give a brief description of the darkness and the jittery nervousness that in me manifested itself in cardiological-like aches. “It’s stress,” was the invariable conclusion that satisfied all parties involved: the doctor knew what to prescribe and the patient accepted the chronic nature of the affliction.  What can be done about Stress in the contemporary circus of bread-winning intercut with the single motherhood?  Nothing, really.  And who has the time to look closer, let alone deeper?

Meanwhile, the banal shield of ‘stressful life’ had completely obscured the fact that amidst the unyielding battle between my self-value and low self-esteem I have gradually become severely addicted to Praise and would do anything to achieve it.”

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

What is Frustration?


Well, what kind of a psychological animal is Frustration? Is it a cognitive and somatic ailment such as anxiety or a mental disorder such as depression? 

Those exposed to your expressing the frustration would like you to think that there is definitely something wrong with you.  But no, feeling frustrated because of legitimate agitating factors doesn’t mean that you are ill and need to seek medical attention. 

As the matter of fact Frustration is nothing more than a normal emotional reaction to opposition, restriction, obstacles – anything that we perceive to contradict with our will, goals, purpose, plans, schedules, etc.  It is sometimes referred to as problem-response behavior.  There is a problem and the frustration is the first-response signal.  

Sometimes we are frustrated with ourselves.  Procrastination and indecisiveness are the biggest causes of self-dissatisfaction for most people.  However, overachievers who reach top level positions in corporate finance and accounting, the CFOs, Controllers, VPs, Directors, especially in smaller companies, are unlikely candidates for lazy postponements.  And even if, for whatever reason, it happens to us, we are usually capable to control it and use the frustration with ourselves as a motivational tool.

No, our causes of frustration are primarily external.  When you have allocated your already extended working hours to 10 urgent tasks that must be tackled today, and then your Boss wanders into your office and you have to listen for 2 hours to his blubbering about his workout regimen, the time loss is beyond your control and the frustration is further intensified by your inability to throw him out.

When you give an urgent assignment to your employee, explaining its importance and value to the company’s big picture, and  an hour later come over to check the progress and provide further advice only to see her scrolling through boots on Zappos.com, the frustration makes your blood boil in your veins.

When you schedule a meeting with the VP of Sales to discuss the failure to meet volume targets for four months in a row and he is not there 30 minutes past the appointment, evil scenarios invade your frustrated mind.

So, feeling frustrated is natural.  However, the way we act while frustrated depends on our personality, self-awareness, self-control and our psychological makeup. 

The most frequent reactive mechanism is aggression.  Whether we immediately explode at the source of frustration, or wait until we are alone and transfer our anger on an inanimate object, or  get home and take it out on the innocent members of our families – it’s pretty much the same response.

In some cases frustrated people engage in a passive-aggressive behavior.  You’ve seen it many times over: a person puts on a sullen expression and starts procrastinating, obstructing, failing to meet the expectations, etc.  I am sure most of us not only observed it, but also had an episode or two ourselves.

It takes a lot of experience, self-control and tremendous will power to resist this behavioral patterns related to frustration and force yourself instead into constructive removal of the obstacle or resolution of the irritating circumstances.  And, unfortunately, even if we can function reasonably on the outside, it doesn’t mean that the psychological disturbance inside goes away.

In the next couple of posts I hope to share with you few coping devices that I have accumulated over the years myself as well as discuss the relation of frustration to anxiety and stress conditions.   

 

      


One CFO’s Personal Tools for Frustration Relief


So, my fellow CFO’s and Controllers, as promised in my previous post, here are the few tricks I use to privately release my frustration after calmly presenting the composed image to the rest of the world.  They are in no specific order.  I pick whichever feels right at a particular moment.

(1.)  Go to the washroom, enter a stall, close your eyes and start cursing.  Five minutes of swearing usually gives a tremendous relief.  The volume doesn’t really matter.  If raising your voice helps you personally and you are sure nobody is around, go ahead.  For me, however, loud whispering (the way actors whisper on stage, so that everyone can hear them), works the best.  The dirtier the better.  Just pretend that you are in a Martin Scorsese or Quentin Tarantino movie.  If you know other languages, use all of them.  Remember, don’t call the objects of your frustration by their names, but keep their faces in front of you mentally.

(2.) This release method is not my original.  It was shared with me by one of my European colleagues and she has learned it from someone else – I am sure it’s been passed on from one generation to another.  I can vouch that it works like a charm.  You have to create a “Page of Frustration.”  Draw some monster on it, something absolutely revolting.  Your artistic abilities make no difference.  You can ask a child to draw it for you.  The most important thing is to write the title and the destruction instructions on the page.  For example:  “Page of Frustration.  In case of emergency, throw it on the floor and stomp it to shreds.”     For some people “viciously crumple and tear it into small pieces” seems to be more appealing.  Whatever works! Make yourself a stack of copies and keep them in your desk.  Make sure that you don’t run out!

(3.) Another useful inventory for a chronically frustrated CFO or Controller is a favorite treat.  Don’t get me wrong – the last thing I want is for anybody to become a closet eater, consuming large quantities of food in search of unattainable solace.  No!!!  That’s not what I am talking about.  I am talking about very small quantities of very small treats, eaten at a very slow pace: three of Godiva chocolate pearls, or five gummy bears, 1/2 oz of trail mix, etc.  Separate them into these small portions in advance, keep only few in your office and consume only as a release remedy.  It works more as a meditative solution than as aggression liberation, but sometimes that’s all you need.

(4.) On my Front Page Raison d’etre, I talk about the therapeutic effects of writing.  And I maintain that committing your grievance to paper is the best form of releasing frustration, tension, stress and anxiety.   You can do it in different ways.  You can pour your heart out in a diary.  You can pretend to write a letter or an email to the source of your pain (without sending them out, of course) describing the situation, verbalizing your feelings, expressing your concerns.  Or you can go a step further towards more satisfying resolution.  You can write that email and send it to me.  Not only that I will become the receptacle of your turmoil, but I will give it even bigger audience by sharing it with other CFO’s, Controllers, etc.

“The King’s Speech” Illustrates The Frustrated CFO’s (and Mark Twain’s) Point


11154473_detThose who have been reading this blog since its start, hopefully remember this early post about my personal tools of frustration release.  The first method on the list advised to go into an isolated place and let your frustration out with the worst curses you know.

More recently, I posted this Quote from Mark Twain,  emphasizing the same notion.  The great writer, who found humor even in the rumors about his death, also found solace in profanity.

Whether consciously or subconsciously, everyone recognizes the power of cursing.   We use it far more frequently as an expression of physical pain, anguish, anger, and frustration, than as a deriding instrument.  People curse at themselves, at their lives' circumstances, at the damned table corner always in the way.  Most of the time they do it when they are completely alone and nobody can hear them.  They do it because it is an intuitive tension-release mechanism.

Case in point – Oscar-nominated The King's Speech, based on a true story.  Prince Albert (always fantastic Colin Firth), had a speech impediment caused by multiple childhood psychological traumas.  Because of his position, the future King George VI was in the public view and, through the popularization of the radio, in the public ear – stammering and all.  It made him an object of ridicule even before the abdication of his older brother David pushed him into the throne of British Empire.  

For many years he sought help of different doctors and linguistic practitioners.  Finally, he meets Lionel Logue (even more fantastic Geoffrey Rush).  This unorthodox, way-ahead-of-his-time speech therapist worked with post-traumatic WWI veterans and understood that acquired defects are psychological in their roots and have to do with fear and tension. 

Mr. Logue takes on the Royal patient.   His methods are designed to remove the stress that causes his charge to stumble over the words.  He has a lot of tricks up his sleeve: breathing, exercising, singing and, of course, cursing are all used as means of frustration release.  The movie wonderfully shows how the speech center in His Majesty's brain has much easier time dealing with difficult sentences after the fear rides out on those few "dirty" words.   Thus, it illustrates my point that if you find yourself chocking with anxiety, profanity helps.

Sadly and ridiculously those few oaths caused the movie to be rated R.   I mean, 13-year-olds, can hear more curse words on their way to school.  Now, the entertainment media talks about the Weinstein brothers deciding to cut those therapeutic outbursts out in order to "re-introduce" The Kings Speech with PG-13 rating.  I have no clue why they want to do that.  The movie has already grossed nearly 900% of its budget.  Some people say that it will not take anything away from the story, but I strongly disagree.  It is an integral part of keeping yourself functional in this stressful life – for a king, a writer, or a CFO.

You Are Responsible for Your Own Emotional Control


There are two main reasons for my putting so much emphasis on the management of frustration and stress.  First of all, I consider this skill to be one of CFOs and Controllers' prerequisites for efficient functionality: if you don't get a grip on your own emotions you cannot manage the multitude of your tasks at the level that will satisfy your own high standards.  Secondly, this may be the only responsibility that you cannot delegate.  Whatever method of self-control and frustration release you use, you are the only one who can recognize the symptoms and initiate the process.

And in that respect I am in agreement with the recent article on AOL Health by Stephanie Twelto Jacob with a terribly corny title Happiness Roadblocks and a lot of new-age-y formulas that a sensible reader will be able to weed out easily.  I mean, even if you take Aristotle's thought about path to happiness as your initial thesis, it doesn't mean that you should tailor your entire article to fit the narrow interpretation of its language.

Shortcomings aside, I found four sensible points in this article that match my own concept of psychological self-management and fit perfectly into this blog's discussions of work-related frustration and anxiety.  Here are my interpretations:

1.  Choosing to expect the worst at all times in order to avoid disappointments (the policy I've been employing for years myself – guilty as charged) creates not only psychological, but also, through stress-related chemical reactions, physical effects on us.  Plainly speaking, it keeps our bodies in a constant adrenaline overdrive.

2.  I hear my colleagues talking all the time about someone else working at half the effort for twice as much money, having expense accounts, better insurances, larger bonuses, etc, etc.  Comparing your difficult life to somebody's supposed perfect existence creates unnecessary additional frustration.  Don't contrast and compare.  Most likely these people's lives are not as rosy as you perceive it.  Trust me – life is a difficult exercise for everybody.  More importantly, spending your emotional energy on this imaginary competition is a waste of your own valuable resources.

3.  Accepting the unfairness of life is the best defensive mechanism available to us. When things are not based on equality and justice it does not necessarily mean that you always loose.  My intended audience is supposed to consist of educated people in senior management and executive positions.  In comparison to people with the same intellectual capacity who were not able to go to college and graduate schools and be eligible to work in free-market society, we are not doing that bad even if we didn't have connections or luck to become multi-millionaires.

4.  Stop looking for substitution of contentment.  It is not your boss's, your subordinates', your spouse's, your kid's or your new purchase's job to make you feel better about yourselves.  Nobody but yourself truly knows who you are and what your value is.  It is you who possess that intelligence, that expertise, that volume of knowledge and you know your worthiness.  Be proud of your own achievements.