Category: Business

CFO Folklore: Dealing with F@&ing Lawyers


Blog image As CFOs and controllers, we are constantly exposed to a variety of legal documents: security and financing agreements, leases, employment contracts, NDAs, new ventures formation, demand letters, term sheets, etc., etc.  And even though most of the financial professionals I know, including myself, are well-versed in these matters and can write a decent legal document themselves (hey, you cannot even get an MBA without taking Contractual Law), or at the very least can fully understand them, we are forced to deal with attorneys: a CEO feels more comfortable if he gets a bill. 

Hello!  This is business law.  We are not talking about defending anybody in court on murder or ponzi scheme charges, or suing somebody for fraud!  So, here is what usually happens.

Scenario 1:  I compose a document or construct an agreement outline addressing all necessary points, and send it to the corporate attorney.  He comes back with either, "This looks good," or he takes my points and, without changing anything, puts it into the format that he didn't even create himself – nowadays they all download templates from Blumberg's Law Products, which anyone can do.  A couple of weeks later I get a $2,000 bill.

Scenario 2: We receive a contract (let's say a Credit Line Agreement), I read it, make a long list of all the points that I believe need to be further negotiated with the bank, and send the contract with my list to the corporate attorney.  He comes back with, "I agree.  Let me know when it's ready for my final approval."  A couple of weeks later I get a $2,000 bill.

Ahhhhhh! 

Of course, there are special occasions when the intricacy of legalese needs to be explored and attorneys must be involved.  But, why the hell it's so intricate, anyway?  Doesn't it seem like a conspiracy to justify $450+/hour rates?  In organizational management we are always taught that some employees deliberately confuse their records to make themselves indispensable: nobody else can figure out what's going on.  Sounds familiar?

And the arrogance!  I can only think of one other profession that can compete with lawyers on the level of insolence – doctors.  They have no respect for anyone expect themselves.  Well, I am willing to forgive a cardiologist who has a courage to hold a human heart in his hands, or a neurosurgeon who may need to drill into my brain one day. 

But these legal MoFos?  The complex of knowledge I possess is far greater than that of any specialized attorney I know.  I ask, for example, if there are grounds for fiduciary violation in a case, and he ($550/hour) responds, "I have to look it up."  Yet, they dare to be condescending nevertheless!  Just last week a lawyer sent me a retainer agreement and wrote in the cover note, "It's a bit formal, but I hope you will understand it."  Are you fucking kidding me?!  I have four academic degrees and 20 years of executive experience (and he knows), and my own retainer agreement for consulting services, which I wrote myself, has more substance than your copied bullshit.

The worst thing about them, though, is that fucking professional camaraderie.  Try to talk to an attorney about a harm caused to you by another lawyer.  You think you are going to see fairness so wonderfully shown on "The Good Wife", or any other of those TV court dramas?  Nope!  They stop listening – THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT IT!  That's why ABA had to create grievance committees and appoint people who are obligated to review the complains, because otherwise there wouldn't be anybody you could tell about lawyers' violations.  Why do you think legal profession is not regulated by any government agency?  Because the legislature consists mostly of legal professionals.  They will never do anything against one another.

In "Philadelphia", just before dying, Tom Hanks (a gay attorney) tells Denzel Washington (another attorney who just won a discrimination case for him) an old joke: "What do you call a thousand lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?  A good start."  They both like the joke.  Denzel's character even repeats it to someone else right away.  A very hopeful movie in many respects: the case is won, a formerly homophobic Mr. Washington's character finds in himself to defend a gay guy, AIDS-ridden Mr. Hank's character dies knowing he won, and his partner (played by Antonio Banderas) is somehow is not infected.  And the lawyers like the joke!!!  Very hopeful, very far from reality.            

The Frustrated CFO Attends a Panel on Risk, Probability, and Chance


IMG Annual World Science Festival took place this week in New York City.  It is a wonderful fair with over 40 events and I try to catch at least two or three.  One of the discussions, I felt, was important for me to attend this time was The Illusion of Certainty: Risk, Probability, and Chance. 

Not only that I find practical application of mathematical, statistical and cognitive theories to business risks, economic uncertainty and commercial intuition to be imperative for strategically inclined CFOs and Controllers, but also my upcoming book on functionality of hands-on financial executives will have a chapter on Risks.  Besides, I've enjoyed books penned by two of the panelists – Leonard Mlodinow's The Drunkard's Walk: how randomness rules our lives and Gerd Gigerenzer's Gut Feelings: The Intelligence of the Unconscious (both are featured on by book list to the right).  And even though the distinguished panel, which also included mathematician Amir Aczel and MIT's professor of Computational Cognitive Science Josh Tenenbaum, ran out of time before they got anywhere near concepts of risks, they have touched on quite a few other fascinating concepts  that have direct application to our professional lives.

Here are few highlights.

I.  Self-confidence vs. probability and empirical evidence.  Our ambitions and drive to succeed mandates nurturing of confidence.  Business schools and work experiences show us that only assertive people who stick to their positions, even if they are based on guesses, achieve their goals.  Here comes, the Monty Hall Paradox – a logical statistical problem with an odd, but empirically demonstrable result. 

It is a probability puzzle based on the TV program Let's Make a Deal originally hosted by Monty Hall.  In the first round, the contestants on the show had to chose one out of three closed doors – two concealing goats and one hiding a car.  Then, the host would open one of the remaining doors revealing goats.  Now, that this door is eliminated, the following question is posted: do you want to switch or retain your original choice.  The confident, "believe-in-yourself" people like us most likely will stick to their guns.  Yet, years of replicating the experiment showed that changing your original choice doubles the probability of winning the car: from 1 in 3 to 2 in 3.  This maybe a good indication that there is nothing wrong with rethinking your position – it may actually be beneficial.

II.  Influence of visual presentation on interpretations of data.  Throughout our careers we have been using graphs, charts, dashboards, etc. in presentations of performance results and other information, because experience shows that it impresses the data recipients better than numbers in tables or narratives.  The reason it works so well is because our instinctive cognitive abilities are much better than conscious digestion of facts.  We are capable of processing visual data flowing at us without even thinking about it. 

Like in the chart below, which shows the relationship between marketing expenses (Y-axis, in thousands of dollars) and sales (volume represented by the bubbles, in millions of dollars).  Just by glancing at the chart anyone can see that the larger bubbles (sales) correspond with higher marketing expenses.  Biologically, it is not that much different from our ability to discern danger when we walk through the jungle.  So, when we design our graphic presentations, we should keep that in mind and try to create images that don't just look pretty, but actually transmit the most valuable messages.

Bubble chart

III.  People's blind belief in numbers.  This is something that all financial professionals constantly use while communicating with lenders, investors, bosses, commercial partners, etc., without even thinking twice about underlying scientific theories.  Everybody knows, when you pitch a proposal, renew a credit line, or report on the business results, the more numbers you throw at "them," the better.  Presence of the numbers in a message on its own creates the illusion of certainty, regardless of their substance. 

Advertisers know that very well too.  When we hear in a commercial that 9 out of 10 users of this new cosmetic product saw an improvement in their appearance (or whatever), we automatically accept this as a proof of great achievement.  People forget that because these values are assigned by humans, they cannot be precise.   First of all, what is the definition of "improvement?"  And what if I tell you that the product was used on a group of 30 healthy, good-looking people, ages 20 to 25.  Will you still think that it will work on you as well?

Woes of an Overwhelmed CFO


This quote has been attributed to different people, frequently (and erroneously) to even Andrew Jackson, but in fact it was John W. Raper who said,

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it." 

Oh, man, he sounds healthy!  What a laid-back guy!  No pressure gets to him?  Where do you get that kind of attitude?  I want some.

Because, in professional life of a frustrated CFO or Controller having lots to do and not doing it spells disaster, anxiety and depression, not fun.  As the matter of fact, "not doing it" is frequently a symptom of a psychological condition experienced by high achievers with multiple responsibilities. 

Images Have you been there, in that scary place?  There is so much to do, your subconsciousness tells you that there is no way all these things can be done by you.   Your entire being refuses to embark on all these tasks – you stop doing everything.  You are so overwhelmed you become paralyzed.  Everyday you tell yourself that tomorrow you will get on with it, and then you close your door and play solitaire all day.  In other words, you are on your way to a fully blown burnout.

And if you work in a small or mid-size company, no outside help is coming:  there are no Employee Assistance Programs or Stress Management Trainings.  Nobody will even notice that something is wrong.  You are on your own! 

But, wait a minute…  First of all, take a fucking Xanax and force yourself to use the moment of relaxation it gives you to not do anything at all, but think about your situation.  Do it NOW! 

Aren't you the self-reliant person who always handled your own problems and overcame all obstacles in front of you.  How did you get here in the first place?  How did you come to occupy this executive position?  Where is that person?  There must be some grains of him/her left in you.

Now, take your favorite yellow (or gray) notepad and write down all those tasks that terrify you so much – beats playing computer games.  This very long list is your basis.  Now start the next list. Title it "Delegate" and transfer here all those tasks you can delegate to your subordinates, or other departments.  Every time you list an item to delegate, cross it out on the main list. 

And don't tell me you cannot delegate anything – this is an emergency, you can and you must!  If you are a one-person show, this is the right time to talk to your boss(es) about hiring help.  Go to them with both lists – they might "surprise" you by saying they had no idea your were so overwhelmed.

The remainder of the base list needs to be further divided into four parts:  

  1. Top priority (today and next three business days)
  2. Short-term plan (next two weeks)
  3. Long-term plan (next six to eight weeks)
  4. Tentative plan aka the back burner (next 4 months, or so).

The only list you are going to look at now is that much shorter Top Priority list.  Calculate how many tasks you have there – let's say 8.  If you work like me, your working day is at least 10 hours.  The 4 business days allotted to this list is 40 hours.  This means you have 5 hours for each task.  That's it – start working on the first one.    

Still cannot do it?  Then you are in need of serious help – find yourself a good doctor.

You can find more advice in this post Time Organization as Anti-Frustration Tool.

Futurenomics of Higher Education


Item_3703People laugh at me when I talk about higher education in negative terms.  And I understand – it sounds hypocritical coming from someone with multiple academic degrees.  But times and environments change.  For my generation, higher education was far less expensive, more intellectually challenging and somewhat more rewarding than it is for young people today. 

Now colleges lower their educational values, so that the degrees seem more intellectually accessible.  The individual thinking is not cultivated anymore and slowly disappears together with independent studies.  It became all about mechanistic skills of test-taking instead of true intellectualism.   

Except for a few institutions still adhering to their academic values, most colleges' coursework does not require any reading beyond the textbooks.  This is how we end up with scores of degreed "professionals" who never read.  My famous pet peeve is having young subordinates with accounting degrees who don't understand the fundamental principles of double-entry bookkeeping. 

So, for $200,000 you get a low-grade minimal intellectual input and the promise of… What?  Nowadays, nothing.  Ok, so wealthy parents may be willing to pay this kind of money in order to delay their children's exposure to the doldrums of the adult life – as far as I am concerned, not a bad idea if you love your children and can afford to do so.  But other than that – it's really just nothing but a bad investment.  

Yet, more and more children continue entering colleges, ending up with unbearable debts.  Some are locked forever in terrible jobs, others are not capable of getting a job at all.   And people still insist that the degrees open some highly desirable doors?  Why is that? 

Because, of that stupid club mentality that pollutes every aspect of our lives.  Hiring managers and recruiters, themselves college graduates, will look down on those without the degrees, regardless of their abilities and knowledge.  This idiotic pattern has to change.  Not to boast or anything, but I always look for a spark of an intellect in a candidate's eyes before I look at the Education section on his resume.     

At the same time, we cannot deny the fact that having graduate and post-graduate degrees inhibits entrepreneurial potential of many bright and capable people.  I have been saying for years that the possibility of being paid good wages prevents people from entering the entrepreneurial route.  It's too scary to gamble on your business success if you have a steady job.   Thus, instead of building small and midsize businesses that could revive our economy, kids "all go to the university, and they all get put in boxes, little boxes, all the same." 

But this point becomes even less relevant now: those highly paid jobs opportunities will not be there in the near future.  Young people, please, you don't have to follow the rest of the sheep.  Think for yourself; let your creativity take you on the self-fulfilling journey.  And you don't have to strive to be rich and famous overnight either – not everyone is meant to be Gates or Zuckerman.  There is nothing wrong with building your own small business that will provide you with middle-class living, while creating jobs for other people on top of that. 

 

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Just Your Average Opportunistic Boss


220px-Terminator1984movieposter Who can resist this?  The Governator has cheated and lied?  Noooo, you are kidding!!! I am sure millions of bloggers hit the keyboards running.

But wait a minute, I already wrote about this – just little over four months ago: CFO Folklore: When Your Boss's Secretary Becomes His Girlfriend.  Well, not about Arnie per se, but about bosses having affairs with their employees. 

Obviously, it was based on incidents I have witnessed in business, as a financial professional.  I wrote the piece from the inside perspective of frustrated CFOs and Controllers, who are forced to deal with that.  Yet, I used very generalized terms, because it is the most typical type of infidelity. 

I don't think I have to remind you about all political scandals with exactly the same premise.  I never thought that the only reason these incidents ignited public attention was people's relishing the dirt.  It is the relevance of these situations to every-day life that attracts people: "Oh, he is just like that dick I work for."  As the matter of fact, that January post is the third most popular item on this Blog – people relate.

There is always an enterprising (rarely smitten) young and ambitions intern/staffer/secretary/page (she or he) in the office of a powerful older man, who,  driven by desire to excel in life without too much effort, will pursue the boss with all her (his) youthful enthusiasm.  And of course, the older person is weakened: his male nature already has a propensity for imprudence; his morals are corrupted by power; he is ridden with temptation to taste something 20-25 years younger…  "What a poor man to do?"

As the matter of fact, small business owners have it better than more powerful public figures like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Bill Clinton.  The latter risk public humiliation and popularity votes; the former have almost nothing to fear in their little absolute monarchies.  

The truth is, I liked Mr. Schwarzenegger up until he went into politics.  I admired his drive to rise above his muscles.  He actually always seemed liked a pretty decent man to me – someone who, if he fell out of love, would just come clean, divorce her and then go on making babies with another woman.  I should have known that as soon as "political reasoning" kicked in, lying would commence.  That they kept quiet, so he wouldn't loose his supporters – it's just disgusting.  

It is uncanny, but the former action star's news of an out-of-wedlock child, hit much closer to the real-life prototype of Boss and His Secretary story I wrote in January – I've just recently learned that the secretary in question is actually pregnant, while the boss is still legally married to his wife of twenty years.  

I would like to propose a little contest.  My readers, if you know of a single male business owner over 50 year old, with the staff of more than 20 people, who never had any indiscretions, please let me know.  I will sing praises to him in these virtual pages.