Category: Business

Boss Joke of the Month: Raises and Bonuses


Grinch stole my raise and bonusAh, January!  Traditionally, a month of raises and bonuses!  Or, at least it used to be.  You probably have read many an article and a blog post about the diminishing slew of companies still giving out performance bonuses and/or raises. 

I am not surprised – I am the one always going on and on about the illusional nature of the "economic recovery" tune so "earnestly" whistled by politicians and business media.  Companies, big and small, are struggling left and right.  In the absence of profits, merit is kicked off its, already pathetic, backseat all the way into the trunk: When a company experiences business losses you may need to work twice as hard as you did during more prosperous times, but it will not get you matching rewards.  In fact, big enterprises frequently present their employees with a more contemporary version of a performance reward: take a pay cut or a demotion for the sake of keeping your job.

But not the young company X! 

Company X had difficult 2011 and 2012, experiencing all sorts of growing pains and deformities, but 2013 was, if not a spectacular, but a pretty-pretty good year: the business outperformed its forecaststs both at the Gross and the Net Profit levels.  And so, in accordance with formal evaluations conducted at the end of the year, the Board of Directors decided that effort-based bonuses will be paid and raises will take effect as of January 2014.

Now, like many small and mid-size companies, X uses ADP as their payroll service provider.  So, in order to implement raises, an Administrator has to go into ADP's online system and change employees' pay rates.  X's CFO is very anal about being above suspicions: she has set up the payroll administrative functions in a way that allows her to change everybody's compensation items, except her own.  She left that prerogative to the owner/CEO.

Unfortunately that means getting the boss to do something outside of her comfort zone: Of course, she doesn't remember her login ID and password for the Payroll Administration portal.  Plus, any reminder of the compensation negotiations puts her in a vile mood.  Plus, a rate per pay periods, a special bonus batch…  It's all too much.  Never mind that she only needs to do that for ONE PERSON, her CFO! 

CFO is very aware, though.  She makes it as simple as possible, cutting the instructions for CEO into small pieces and chewing them into a pulp that can be fed through an IV.  She puts it in writing too, via email: 

"My base salary was $A per year.  You gave me a raise of Y%, which amounts to $B.  My new base salary, therefore, is $C per year ($A + $B).  Accordingly, please change my semi-monthly payroll rate from current $a ($A/24) to $c ($C/24).  Thank you."

In two hours our CFO receives CEO's response:

"Dear N,

Please double check your current pay and the number after raise.  Also, I will have to do it on Monday, because I need to leave now to pick up my son."

Really?!  CFO looks at the email and in her mind she imagines writing back something like: "Bitch, are you telling me that I don't know how much you underpay me?  Or that with an MS in Finance, MBA in Accounting, and a PhD in Economics I cannot do simple arithmetic?  And why the fuck I, of all people,  am supposed to wait for my fucking raise?  I just set you up with one, even though my daughter is waiting for me!  What the fuck?!"

But CFO is not writing anything: she knows only too well that CEO didn't mean malice – she is just that stupid, dense, and lazy.  It's insults CFO's intelligence to work for someone like that.  But what are you going do?  At least in this place they give out raises and bonuses. 

Job Search: Napoleon Bonaparte Is Hiring


This is a story my friend shared with me.  It just happened.

A headhunter, with whom she worked in the past has contacted her.  He has a client looking for someone with her qualifications.   She is always interested to hear about new opportunities, especially those with potential to expand her CFO expertise.

Surprisingly, the urgency in the headhunter’s voice was incredible.  He sounded like a 911 caller witnessing an explosion.  He rushed through the sentences, jumped from one point to another like a mad frog, even forgot to tell her what was the client’s business .  Somewhere in the middle of it,  my friend has realized that she was somewhat overqualified for the job.  Moreover,  the title and the compensation weren’t defined.  That should have alarmed her.  Yet in her vanity, and she knows it, she decided that all the hurriedness was fueled by the headhunter’s worries of her not being interested.

Actually, there were a few aspects of the job that sparked her interest.  My friend relayed this to the headhunter.   He was very excited and went about contacting the client on the next step. 

Oh, my God!  Within a couple of hours, he called her eleven times: “Setting up a phone interview; no, they are foregoing the phone interview and want to meet you in person straight away; you will meet four different people; no, just two; no, it will be two separate interviews back to back – first with the HR Manager and then with the Owner.  Please, pleeeeese, can we do it tomorrow?” 

And so, the next day my firiend went to the company’s offices and met with the HR Manager.  Talking to him, she was wondering if he would be able to make it through the meeting without falling into a panic attack.  Eventually,  he led her through the hallway to meet with the Owner/CEO.   His agitation escalated in alarming stages.  It was like playing a Liszt’s Etude, which calls for “fast” on the first page, then for “faster” on the second, “as fast as possible” on the third, and still “faster” on the next.

At the very moment she got to shake the hand of the tiny man behind the huge desk, it finally dawned on her.  It had nothing to do with my friend and her qualifications.  This miniature boss of an interesting, but relatively tiny company ($30M) exuded a sense of grandeur of Napoleonic proportions.  He had everyone scurrying like scared mice.  Even those who were not employed by him; including the headhunter, who works for one of the top 3 international recruitment houses.

The first thing he told her was, “I need a second in command who can keep the troops under control.  There were two before you, who were dismissed.”  Funny guy!

The Frustrated CFO Presents: The FedEx Man Cometh


Article-0-115F39B8000005DC-872_634x452A Treatment for a Feature Short Film:

The present.

Brightly lit business office suite.  The camera moves out of the reception area, along a large sign on the wall "ALISP International," and into the open-design space in the middle.  There are a lot of boxes of various types around – file storage, heavy-duty cardboard with foam padding, etc.   Some are sealed and others are half-packed.  Office workers of both genders and different ages are busily occupied: most of them are at their desks, either working on the computers or talking on the phones, while a few are transferring files and folders from desk drawers and cabinets into the boxes.  The company is obviously packing up. 

PAIGE, 30, an accounting manager with plain but soft facial features, gets up from her chair, takes a huge pile of checks she just printed and walks into a private office with an open door.  

Inside the office, the CFO, a middle-aged woman with an almost visible weight of responsibilities and problems on her shoulders, is at her desk.  She is a hardened veteran of the professional work-force; one of those bitches who are said to have bigger balls than their male peers.  A permanent scorn for humanity is set deeply around her mouth. 

It looks as if her right hand is glued to the mouse, moving and clicking the thing in a seemingly erratic pattern, which causes rows and columns of data on the computer screen appear, disappear, reproduce, and rearrange themselves.  There is a tower of empty boxes in one of the corners.  Clearly, she didn't have a chance to start packing.  The CFO doesn't stop her manipulations of cells even when Paige comes up to her desk.

The desk's surface is completely covered with documents and reports, yet appears to be in a sort of a neat order.  Failing to find an empty spot, the younger woman asks, "Is it okay if I put them on this contract?" The CFO is her mentor and Paige feels guilty for giving her something else to do, as if those checks were intended to pay her personal bills. 

The CFO stops torturing the mouse and looks up.  "Actually, it will be great if you do that, because right after I finish this bullshit for the bank and sign the damned checks I will have to read that damned contract to make sure that our esteemed attorneys didn't miss anything," she says without any irritation, just matter of factly.

"Those RingCentral, guys, did they finally got what you wanted them to do with the phone system in the new office?  I heard you spelling it out for them."

The CFO produces a funny sound – a combination of a sad sigh and a bristle of disgust:  "People rarely disappoint me – most of the time they are exactly what I expect them to be." 

In a gesture of a female camaraderie, Paige lightly rubs the CFO's shoulder and leaves the office.

The CFO goes back to her computer and continues manipulating the database at the same high speed.  Her phone rings.  She hits the speakerphone button without taking her eyes off the screen.

"Yes."

The reciptionist's voice singsongs out of the phone, "Gary from LinkNet for you."

"Okay." 

The CFO keeps working, while a man's voice comes on after a click, "Hi, M."

"Hi, Gary.  What's up?"

"We just checked the tracking information - the boxes are on a FedEx truck, out for delivery to your new address.  I'm a bit concerned about nobody's being there.  It's a bunch of pretty expensive stuff: uninterrupted power supply unit, firewall, network switch, backup…"

"Don't worry – I have a standing order with the building's management to keep all our packages in the mail room until we collect them.  And I will be there Monday morning."

"Okay, and the next day we will come to install and connect everything.  Just in case, we included your contact information on the label."

"That's cool.  Okay, bye."

"Bye."

Same day, early afternoon.

A FedEx truck is moving down Broadway in NYC's Financial District, rolling closer and closer towards the Bowling Green Bull; then turns left a few blocks before the statue.

The FedEx truck is parked at the entrance of a steel-and-glass 30-story office building.  The driver, a man in his early 30s in FedEx uniform, unloads several heavy packages onto his hand truck and rolls it through the building's service entrance.  

Inside the building's mail room a young man, late 20s, is behind the counter. He is wearing a standard navy blue jacket of the NYC Service Employees International Union.  He stares intently into a computer monitor, which emits barely audible, muffled moaning sounds.  He mutes it as soon as the driver walks through the door. 

"Wussup, man!  Cold outside?"

"How you doin? Too cold.  I got boxes here all going to same place…  Lemme see…"  Looking at the label of the box on the top, "Al…  Als… Ali… Al…"

While the driver is trying to figure out the name on the label, the guy behind the counter strikes a few keys on the computer keyboard.  Tenants' directory appears on the screen in front of him.  Within seconds he exclaims, "Aliyes!  Sixth floor, man!"  He sounds very satisfied with the fact that he managed to find the company before the driver could read the label.

As the FedEx driver rolls towards the freight elevator, the mail-room dude clicks the mouse and the very quiet moaning comes back on.  About five inches away from the guy's hand on the mouse, a sheet of paper is affixed to the surface with a tape strip.  The letterhead indicates:

"From the Desk of Joe Funk, Building Manager"  

The header below states in bold letters:

"NEW TENANTS" 

"ALISP – Floor 17: Keep packages in the mail room" is the first entry on the alphabetized list that follows.

Same day, late afternoon.

The CFO is at her desk.  With her glasses on, she is now reading "that damned contract," marking it with a pencil every once in a while.  The phone on the desk rings.  Again, she hits the speakerphone button without looking.

"Yes."

The receptionist's voice is hesitant – she is obviously unsure whether she is doing the right thing by passing this call to the CFO instead of fielding it away.

"There is a person on the phone…  He says that he is from a company…  Aliyes… and that he got your packages, ma'am."

The CFO takes off her reading glasses and looks at the phone as if it was a curious living thing.  You can hear amusement in her voice when she asks, "My personal packages?"

"Yes, it seems so.  He asked for you by name."

"Okay, put him through."

In a second, a man's voice comes through the speaker.

"M.?"

"Yes."

"My name is Bill.  My company is on the sixth floor here at XX Broad.  Are you, guys, in the same building?"

"We are and we aren't.  We are in the process of moving in – the 17th floor."

"For some reason your packages were delivered to us by FedEx, and my secretary signed for them.  She started opening them up without even looking at the labels.  All this equipment seems expensive."

"It is quite expensive.  Your company's name is Aliyes?  Well, the first three letters are the same – that's as far as an average attention span can go nowadays."

They both laugh.

The man says, "It's a good thing that your name and number were on the label."

"I have to thank my IT Administration service for that."

"Look, we already sealed the boxes back - as good as new.  Why don't you call John, the building manager, and ask him to open your office for us.  I will have my guys bring it inside and I will personally supervise that nothing gets screwed up again."

The CFO's face changes and her voice is very earnest, when she says, "That would be great!  Thank you so much.  I am so grateful."

Indeed, she is grateful – she got lucky that someone with the common sense cut this chain of events short.  The whole thing could've turned out so much worse.   

What is Frustration?


Well, what kind of a psychological animal is Frustration? Is it a cognitive and somatic ailment such as anxiety or a mental disorder such as depression? 

Those exposed to your expressing the frustration would like you to think that there is definitely something wrong with you.  But no, feeling frustrated because of legitimate agitating factors doesn’t mean that you are ill and need to seek medical attention. 

As the matter of fact Frustration is nothing more than a normal emotional reaction to opposition, restriction, obstacles – anything that we perceive to contradict with our will, goals, purpose, plans, schedules, etc.  It is sometimes referred to as problem-response behavior.  There is a problem and the frustration is the first-response signal.  

Sometimes we are frustrated with ourselves.  Procrastination and indecisiveness are the biggest causes of self-dissatisfaction for most people.  However, overachievers who reach top level positions in corporate finance and accounting, the CFOs, Controllers, VPs, Directors, especially in smaller companies, are unlikely candidates for lazy postponements.  And even if, for whatever reason, it happens to us, we are usually capable to control it and use the frustration with ourselves as a motivational tool.

No, our causes of frustration are primarily external.  When you have allocated your already extended working hours to 10 urgent tasks that must be tackled today, and then your Boss wanders into your office and you have to listen for 2 hours to his blubbering about his workout regimen, the time loss is beyond your control and the frustration is further intensified by your inability to throw him out.

When you give an urgent assignment to your employee, explaining its importance and value to the company’s big picture, and  an hour later come over to check the progress and provide further advice only to see her scrolling through boots on Zappos.com, the frustration makes your blood boil in your veins.

When you schedule a meeting with the VP of Sales to discuss the failure to meet volume targets for four months in a row and he is not there 30 minutes past the appointment, evil scenarios invade your frustrated mind.

So, feeling frustrated is natural.  However, the way we act while frustrated depends on our personality, self-awareness, self-control and our psychological makeup. 

The most frequent reactive mechanism is aggression.  Whether we immediately explode at the source of frustration, or wait until we are alone and transfer our anger on an inanimate object, or  get home and take it out on the innocent members of our families – it’s pretty much the same response.

In some cases frustrated people engage in a passive-aggressive behavior.  You’ve seen it many times over: a person puts on a sullen expression and starts procrastinating, obstructing, failing to meet the expectations, etc.  I am sure most of us not only observed it, but also had an episode or two ourselves.

It takes a lot of experience, self-control and tremendous will power to resist this behavioral patterns related to frustration and force yourself instead into constructive removal of the obstacle or resolution of the irritating circumstances.  And, unfortunately, even if we can function reasonably on the outside, it doesn’t mean that the psychological disturbance inside goes away.

In the next couple of posts I hope to share with you few coping devices that I have accumulated over the years myself as well as discuss the relation of frustration to anxiety and stress conditions.   

 

      


Tech-Savvy CFO vs. Technologically Inept Owners: A Boardroom Chronicle


OstrichPremise:  

Based on true facts, this present-day farce unfolded right after the company at the center of the story signed a new office lease.  The entity's CEO, an infamous procrastinator and a successful decision-dodger, has delayed the execution of the document to the point when only 60 days remained before the moving-in day.

Up until now, the fairly young business always occupied a full-service furnished office suite, where everything from pen holders to receptionists is supplied by the landlord, including all telecommunications and IT administration.  However, by this point the successful business outgrew the little rooms and the shared common space of the suites – it was time for the company to obtain its own residence.

As all logical people know, lease signing is only the beginning of a relocation process.  A lot of work needs to be done before a company can feel at home and be fully operational in its new place of business.  And nowadays, the IT infrastructure becomes a prerequisite to everything else.

This flat-structured small business has a misfortune of having a board of directors that consists of three technologically clueless owners (the type who cannot connect a printer to a PC) and a CFO.  The latter has been combining her financial and accounting responsibilities with those of a CTO throughout her entire career.  Needless to say, she understands what needs to be done, knows how to go about it (nobody else does in this company), and is more than qualified to make all necessary decisions.  Yet, the Board has a rule: anything that involves spending money must be approved by all four members.

So, here is the chronology of making a single decision under the described circumstances:

Motion 1 – 60 days till D-Day.  Upon receiving the fully executed lease from the lawyers, the CFO writes an eMemo to the owners requesting a Board meeting in order to develop an action plan that would ensure successful and painless relocation.  The plan should assign responsible parties and establish deadlines for each task.

The owners don't acknowledge that the issue was raised and two weeks pass in a complete silence regarding this matter.

(Side Note: All four executives are actually heavily involved in their day-to-day responsibilities.  They communicate extensively every day discussing various commercial concerns, while avoiding difficult extraordinary topics.)

Motion 2 – 46 days till D-Day.  Recognizing that the owners have fallen into their typical pattern of pretending that the problem doesn't exist (this happens every time an issue lies outside of their comfort zone), the CFO makes another attempt to mobilize the Board to set up an action plan.  This time she speaks to each of them in person.  They all nod in agreement - "Tomorrow," they say.  The CFO squeezes a two-hour time slot into her crazy schedule.

Three days pass without anything happening. 

Motion 3 – 43 days till D-Day.  The CFO feels the time pressure – at the very least she must start working on IT components, regardless of the owners' ostrich behavior.  The business will be simply paralyzed without an adequate infrastructure.  She really has no room in her schedule for all research, comparison, and optimization of  various ISPs, telecoms, and IT administrators…  But who else is going to do it?  So, instead of pestering the owners again about the "action plan," she writes a very specific inquiry:  "Please confirm your agreement with my taking charge of the groundwork for obtaining the Internet service, telephony, and IT administration support."  Without waiting for replies, the CFO starts working on the subject of the highest priority, i.e. the Internet connection, by reviewing nine ISPs whose services are available in the new building.    

Motion 4 – 41 days till D-Day.  At different hours, the CFO receives messages from the owners – all three are worded very similarly: "Thank you for asking and forward thinking.  Please go ahead with the projects." She can almost hear their sighs of relief - somebody else has made the decisions for them!!!  The CFO closes her eyes for a second and thinks, "The same shit every time.  I wish at least once I would let things run their course - just to see what would happen if I didn't worry about all of this, if I didn't jump in."

By carving little chunks of time in her schedule to deal with this shit, the CFO manages to come to her final ISP conclusion in 5 business days: to accommodate all of the  company's needs (including VoIP) she needs a reliable fiber-optics broadband.  She narrows down her choices to two ISPs – the award-winning Cogent with dedicated connectivity and Verizon's newest product FiOS Quantum ran through communal cables shared with all other users in the vicinity. 

Motion 5 – 36 days till D-Day.  She immediately gets quotes from both: Cogent values itself highly – $700/month with a three-year contract, plus $1,000 installation fees; Verizon's rate is only $129/month with a two-year contract.  Even with such a disparity in pricing, it's a simple choice as far as the CFO is concerned – she knows that Cogent will provide uber-fast, uninterrupted connection, and if something happens, she can be on the phone with an engineer within 30 seconds.  Verizon, on the other hand…  well, we all dealt with Verizon at one point or another.  Yet, for the owners all this technical staff is as difficult as Icelandic; the huge price difference, however, that's easy.   So, the CFO goes back to Cogent's salesperson and dangles FiOS Quantum at $129/month in front of his nose (virtually, of course).  He is taken aback – he had no clue that Verizon had started offering this brand new service in that building.  He cannot stop himself from uttering, "That's a compelling alternative."  The CFO doesn't dissuade him from this train of thought; she waits.  And he says that he would go to his director and try to get her a better deal.

Motion 6 – Same Day. Cogent wants the business – the salesperson reverts in two hours, dropping the price to $500/month with a three-year contract or $400/month with a four-year contract.  Both rates are exclusive of taxes and charges.  With this reduction in hand, the CFO immediately prepares a presentation for the Board, breaking down her selection process step-by-step and making a strong case for Cogent through detailed comparison and scoring of all providers.  She sends it out to the three owners and requests a board meeting to make the final decision.

Four days of silence passes.  The CFO understands: it's too fucking much for them, they don't want to deal with this, they are hiding.

Motion 7 – 32 days till D-Day. The CFO has no choice but to write to the owners again: "Let me remind you that installing the Internet connection must precede all other IT and telecommunication actions, including setting up the phone system, the computer network, etc. – basically everything that we need for the business's operations.  And it will not happen overnight!"  This gets CEO's attention.  She comes over to the CFO's office and says, "Let's decide by tomorrow the latest."

Two days passes.

Motion 8 – 30 days till D-Day.  One of the owners (already in possession of the previously distributed detailed presentation) sends an inquiry, "Can you make a comparison for me between Cogent and Verizon?" as if he just woke up to the issue. 

Motion 9 – Same Day.  The CFO prepares a simplified comparison chart intended for a 4-year-old audience.  Meanwhile, she tells Cogent that the decision is not settled yet and that she will appreciate if the provider gives up something else – like do away with the $1,000 installation fees and make rates flat, all-inclusive (taxes, charges, etc.)  The salesperson conferences in his Director and they yield.  The CFO simply cannot lose this deal: she goes around and collects the owners' consents in person. 

Motion 10 – 29 days till D-Day.  The CFO signs the contract with Cogent.

Curtains 

And this is just Act I.  Ahead, there are still decisions on a VoIP system, an IT Administration service, furniture, equipment…