Category: Respect

CFO Folklore: When Your Boss’s Secretary Becomes His Girlfriend


Here is a sensitive and complex topic – it involves people's personal lives and therefore should not be anybody else's business.  Yet it affects our work environment and impacts employees morale.  Always!  There are no exceptions.  

It is not a rare occurrence either.  In the past I had a boss who was seduced by his secretary and ended up leaving his family.  In another company I had to fire a general manger to avoid a possibility of sexual harassment law suit, while the company's owner was on his second marriage to a woman who was his former secretary.  And the list of stories I've heard from my colleagues, associates, subordinates and just friends is endless.

The nature of the boss/secretary professional relationship by itself has a somewhat intimate connotation.   They are near each other in the office space.  All day long the secretary attends to the boss's needs, frequently takes care of his personal matters, stays by his side when he works late.  Add to that the fact that most secretaries nowadays are younger women, as the class of "career personal assistant" is disappearing.   Plus, there is the appeal of power and a possibility of material benefits.  All this together creates an undeniably fruitful environment for trysts.  Hell, we have wonderful independent movies about it.



      

Unfortunately, it is not as much fun when you actually have to work with this in your face.

I frequently repeat in these posts that private businesses are absolute monarchies.  Historically, every single Royal figure had his or hers favorite,  i.e. an "intimate companion of a ruler," or, as OED defines it "one who stands unduly high in the favour of a prince."  The contemporary "rulers" are just upholding this "fine" historical tradition.

The key here is the unduly power bestowed on the favorite.  Again, I don't care about people's personal lives.  I really don't!  Moreover, if favorites were working ten times harder and their attitudes were twenty times nicer, I would consider that an improvement. 

However, that is not what usually happens.  In reality boss's secretarial lover stops working altogether.  I witnessed a hiring of an "assistant to personal assistant" to patch the hole in the workflow.  They become arrogant and acquire nasty disposition towards other people in the office.  Frequently they get promoted to managerial jobs they are not qualified to perform with salaries they didn't deserve.

In a small business, even with 500 employees, that's hard to hide.  Well, as a CFO or a Controller, you have your own powers and you don't really need to bother yourself with this unless she starts infringing on your scope of command (sadly, that happens too).  And yet your position exposes you to the unfairness of the situation in the most explicit way: you are the one who has to sign off her 50% raise; you are the one who has to approve her 12 weeks a year vacation time; those are your direct reports that get mistreated by her.  

Talking about terrible frustration!   

CFO Folklore: Dealing with F@&ing Lawyers


Blog image As CFOs and controllers, we are constantly exposed to a variety of legal documents: security and financing agreements, leases, employment contracts, NDAs, new ventures formation, demand letters, term sheets, etc., etc.  And even though most of the financial professionals I know, including myself, are well-versed in these matters and can write a decent legal document themselves (hey, you cannot even get an MBA without taking Contractual Law), or at the very least can fully understand them, we are forced to deal with attorneys: a CEO feels more comfortable if he gets a bill. 

Hello!  This is business law.  We are not talking about defending anybody in court on murder or ponzi scheme charges, or suing somebody for fraud!  So, here is what usually happens.

Scenario 1:  I compose a document or construct an agreement outline addressing all necessary points, and send it to the corporate attorney.  He comes back with either, "This looks good," or he takes my points and, without changing anything, puts it into the format that he didn't even create himself – nowadays they all download templates from Blumberg's Law Products, which anyone can do.  A couple of weeks later I get a $2,000 bill.

Scenario 2: We receive a contract (let's say a Credit Line Agreement), I read it, make a long list of all the points that I believe need to be further negotiated with the bank, and send the contract with my list to the corporate attorney.  He comes back with, "I agree.  Let me know when it's ready for my final approval."  A couple of weeks later I get a $2,000 bill.

Ahhhhhh! 

Of course, there are special occasions when the intricacy of legalese needs to be explored and attorneys must be involved.  But, why the hell it's so intricate, anyway?  Doesn't it seem like a conspiracy to justify $450+/hour rates?  In organizational management we are always taught that some employees deliberately confuse their records to make themselves indispensable: nobody else can figure out what's going on.  Sounds familiar?

And the arrogance!  I can only think of one other profession that can compete with lawyers on the level of insolence – doctors.  They have no respect for anyone expect themselves.  Well, I am willing to forgive a cardiologist who has a courage to hold a human heart in his hands, or a neurosurgeon who may need to drill into my brain one day. 

But these legal MoFos?  The complex of knowledge I possess is far greater than that of any specialized attorney I know.  I ask, for example, if there are grounds for fiduciary violation in a case, and he ($550/hour) responds, "I have to look it up."  Yet, they dare to be condescending nevertheless!  Just last week a lawyer sent me a retainer agreement and wrote in the cover note, "It's a bit formal, but I hope you will understand it."  Are you fucking kidding me?!  I have four academic degrees and 20 years of executive experience (and he knows), and my own retainer agreement for consulting services, which I wrote myself, has more substance than your copied bullshit.

The worst thing about them, though, is that fucking professional camaraderie.  Try to talk to an attorney about a harm caused to you by another lawyer.  You think you are going to see fairness so wonderfully shown on "The Good Wife", or any other of those TV court dramas?  Nope!  They stop listening – THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT IT!  That's why ABA had to create grievance committees and appoint people who are obligated to review the complains, because otherwise there wouldn't be anybody you could tell about lawyers' violations.  Why do you think legal profession is not regulated by any government agency?  Because the legislature consists mostly of legal professionals.  They will never do anything against one another.

In "Philadelphia", just before dying, Tom Hanks (a gay attorney) tells Denzel Washington (another attorney who just won a discrimination case for him) an old joke: "What do you call a thousand lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?  A good start."  They both like the joke.  Denzel's character even repeats it to someone else right away.  A very hopeful movie in many respects: the case is won, a formerly homophobic Mr. Washington's character finds in himself to defend a gay guy, AIDS-ridden Mr. Hank's character dies knowing he won, and his partner (played by Antonio Banderas) is somehow is not infected.  And the lawyers like the joke!!!  Very hopeful, very far from reality.            

Objectivism, Part 2: Lynn Tilton – the Matriarch of Patriarch


Jessica Pressler provided the second mentioning of Ayn Rand, in her long-titled article What Does it Take For a Female Tycoon to Get Noticed Around Here? , which she contributed to New York magazine's issue on the post-crash Wall Street.  It profiles Patriarch Partners' CEO Lynn Tilton and, according to the author, this is how the powerhouse of private equity investment sees herself: as "an Ayn Rand heroine in six-inch heels."

Rightfully so.  This woman is not simply concerned with the state of American capitalism and the future that awaits us ("…I believe that there will… be violence in the streets in America," she says.  "And I think the only thing we can do to stop it is by creating employment."), but she is actually doing something about it – working very hard on trying to rebuild American manufacturing.  Moreover, she is doing that without any regard for the conventions of the phony propriety that has saturated our existence. 

Lynn Tilton destroys the stereotype of a "powerful man" as a world-savior.  A true standard-buster,  just like Ayn Rand wanted women to be, she does not make herself look like the androgynous creatures in buttoned-down suits who are allowed to enter "little boys" clubs from time to time.  She does not let herself to fit into the designated for business tycoons box either.  She refuses to hide her wealth into over-priced art rubbish other billionaires stash in their unseen drawing rooms.  Her conspicuous consumption is honest, because that should not define her.  It has nothing to do with her achievements.  

It is incredibly important to me that Ms. Tilton's  business focus lies in the same field as mine does: the proverbial backbone of the US economy – small and midsize companies.  And it makes the refusal of others to look beyond the outfits, the hair, the jewelry, the mannerism, far more painful.   Once again I am exposed to the violation of my personal absolute truth – MERIT.

Why can't people break out of their constricted mentalities? 

At art fund raising minglings, when I dissect a movie or a play, impressed people, who are paid to be in the know of those things, inevitably ask what I do for living.  I just love seeing their faces when I say, "Accounting and finance."  You see, number-crunchers are not expected to understand the high art.  It does not matter that I know more about it than they do.  On the other hand, when I was entering Economics PhD program, my wild jewfro was diminishing my scientific credibility, even though I came with 50% of my research and modeling already completed. 

Always those fucking labels, those stupid boxes.

I can easily visualize Lynn Tilton going to Harry Winston or Van Cleef & Arpels for some fabulous $250,000 necklace and people in attendance there thinking that she is some mogul's wife.  She must relish the opportunity to tell them, "I am the mogul, bitches!"

It's too bad that Ms. Tilton deals only in private equity acquisitions of distressed businesses and does not diversify into venture capital start-up investments.  I am developing a product right now that has a great potential of contributing into survival of smaller companies and complementing her quest for preserving the true capitalism.  I think we would get along handsomely.  We both know that it's what's inside your head that counts.  She is having trouble getting the respect she deserves, because we lost our meritocracy to "club membership" long time ago.    

Female CFOs and Controllers: Are We Equal?


March 8th, 2011 marked the 100th Anniversary of International Women's Day.  

I have to confess my aversion to such holidays.  Why do we need designated days to appreciate mothers, fathers, love, Earth, women?  It's like we treat them badly all year long and then try to make up for it in a single day. 

The Women's Day also troubles me because of its Socialist origins.  However, it provides an opportunity to raise issues of social and professional inequality.  If we have to choose between one day of awareness vs. none, of course, one is a better choice. 

Especially, if A-list stars like Daniel Craig and Judi Dench commemorate it with a video for Equals? partnership.  Watch it: Dame Judi spends two minutes reciting statistics of global-scale injustice.  It's important, but may create an illusion of remoteness.  When she says that women perform 2/3 of work, but earn only 10% of income and own 1% of property, surely, it accounts for all those "other" countries. 

Well, are we equal to our male counterparts here, in corporate America? 

Let's see.  The pay gap is still 19%.  Let me spell it out: a female CFO or Controller will make 81 cents against a dollar earned by a man in the same position.  Among the Fortune 500 companies,  only 9% of CFOs are female.  The same goes for Midcap 1500…  Enough of this lifeless statistical data.  Let me pull few examples out of my personal experience folder.

The brightest auditor I've known was assigned to my books by the CPA firm I've engaged about eight years ago.  Every time I praise her to the senior partner, he tells me that she knows ten times more than he does.  At one point I asked, when she was going to make a partner?  The answer was, "Well, the company never had a female partner before…"    

For many years I've been invited to participate in executive focus groups.  Banks are particularly interested in researching opinions of CFOs, Controllers and Treasurers.  There is never more than 25% of women in a group.  Once, when the subject was Board of Directors' accounting awareness, I was the only female participant.

Speaking of BODs, during internet bubble I worked for a high-tech start-up backed by venture capital.  The investors had their hands in a lot of businesses, which forced them onto a merry-go-round of board meetings.  They were freshly surprised every time I presented monthly results.  All other investees had male CFOs.

Five years ago I was asked by my boss to give up my CFO office for a newly hired COO.  What made this person more important than me?  Nothing at all, except for his gender.  The boss said, "I just cannot put him into a smaller office."  Really?  This big shot spent most of his time just staring out of the window.

Notice how cleverly the Equals? video is set up: even though M is 007's boss, she would never get away with shenanigans that make James Bond so endearing to the world.  So, no, we are not equal. 



 

The Frustrated CFO Is Looking for a Litigator to Defend an Employee – Part II


…Continued from previous post (published on June 30th)

Unfortunately, even with all this tremendous efforts, business continued to contract.  First of all, the economy was unraveling: the global credit crunch was at its peak  in 2009 and consumers did not have money to pay their debts.  Secondly, the new government regulations helped debtors not to pay and settle at a fraction of the value instead.  In this conditions the bosses decided to go on the other side of the business - to open a set of new companies operating in loan modification and debt restructuring sector.

They have approached MJ with this idea and promised her that she would continue to carry out all financial executive responsibilities in the new business as well.   While still taking care of the old business, she helped them to set up all new companies.  Of course, there were not enough capital to start it up at a full speed.  The two businessmen approached MJ and asked her for a  $150,000 120 days personal loan to help the new business to catch a breath.

Dear readers, please don't judge my friend.  Let me tell you that MJ is one of the most brilliant people I've ever met.  She fully understood the risks.  However, it was clear to her that if she refused, they would have fired her right away: these are average entrepreneurs we frequently discuss – just like the rest of them, they let their emotions run their brains.  This was (and, as we know, still is) a very bad time to be an out-of-job CFO approaching 50.  It was also inconceivable  to think that these two people, whom she helped to survive, would cheat her out of her personal savings.  So, she landed the money to the new law firm. 

Ninety days later, one month before the loan was due for repayment, they fired her using an independent consultant, locked her out of the offices and built a Chinese Wall between themselves and her. 

Now, out of job and out of money, she tried to work with the attorney they appointed to deal with her on their behalf.  She was told that they could not repay her money in full on the agreed due date.  All kinds of unacceptable installment deals were suggested to her with various crazy conditions.  Of course, their lawyer employed all the tricks up her sleeve to drag the matter as long as she could – the delaying tactics were unmatchable.  And as soon as she agreed to one of their installment plans, the communications stopped altogether.  

Meanwhile, all the aggravation of her predicament and anxiety affected her health – she had an acute cardiac episode and ended up on a surgeon's table.  Her condition is managed by several medications now, but it was concluded by her doctors that she must not deal with this tragic matter directly.

So, MJ is looking for an attorney to represent her in order to get these amoral bastards to pay her back.  By the way, she has a multi-page list of misdeeds, violations, and frauds these people has committed against their business partners, clients, etc., etc. 

The most heartbreaking thing is that this woman has immigrated into the US as a political refugee 20 years ago with $90 in her pocket.  She has built herself up from ground zero only to be robbed of her hard-earned money and thrown out on the street by two ruthless monsters who still enjoy all of their businesses, multi-million dollar residences and summer houses in the Hamptons.

If any of my readers know an attorney who might be interested in this case, please email me at the.frustrated.cfo@gmail.com. 

Note: the law firm that borrowed the money has presence in PA, NJ and NY.