"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
Will Rogers
Posts
On Service Quality and Self-Worth: Unknown 500
There are smart people out there who always place their personal interests ahead of everything else. I wish I could be like that, but I'm not. In my life, other people and things end up claiming higher priorities than Me. I'm one of those schmucks who get overwhelmed by the sense of Responsibility, as in guilt (familial) and duty (professional), and push their private matters aside. I know, I know – at the end of the day by abating those feelings I essentially attend to my personal needs anyway, but that's a psycho-philosophical issue we can contemplate. In real time it feels as if I do everything for others and neglect myself.
That's why it takes me six months to get my ass to a dentist. And that's why I let a bunch of out-of-pocket medical expenses to accumulate before I'm pushed to the wall by the deadline to file for reimbursement from the Flexible Spending Account (FSA, aka use-it-or-loose-it pre-tax medical expense program). It's not just me either – two of my employees completely missed the cut-off dates for filing their claims, thus losing the portion of the wages they have been contributing to the FSA. Maybe my attitude robbed off on them. And that's too bad, because no job deserves such loyalty unless you work for yourself or someone dear to you.
But, as Bill Cosby would say after a 30-minute introduction, this is not what I was going to talk about. This should explain, however, why when I was filing my FSA claims online a couple of weeks ago I had to upload quite a few receipts (required as supporting evidence) covering pharmaceutical, medical, and dental co-payments.
Here is what happened. I entered all claims, uploaded scanned receipts, pressed the "Submit" button… and the system hanged. You know, one of those dead freezes when nothing moves no matter what you do. Okay! Not a big deal for someone who's been dealing with computers and the Internet, like, forever. Close the browser, open the browser, go back on the website, log in, retrieve the claims (thankfully saved), upload… Same shit!
Well, as you can imagine, entering all information item by item, scanning individual receipts, etc. took a "minute" already, so I wanted to resolve this bullshit ASAP. I located the tech support number and dialed it, cursing under my breath the Flex provider for not offering a dedicated debit card option instead of this cumbersome claim filing.
In the receiver a Steve answers. Like I said, I'm an experienced Internet user, so I go straight to the core issue, "Is there a limit on the number of documents a user can attach to a claim? Or maybe on the total size of attachments?" Tech support is not customer service and it's reasonable to expect that they will catch on your short-cut approach. Uh-uh! Not Steve! He asks, "What is the problem?" and I'm forced to explain the whole thing anyway.
He listens and says, "I've never heard about a size limit." (Note to all, only 1 out of 10 service people fully understands the system he supports.) "But I know what the problem is - you are having an Unknown 500."
Wait a minute, wait a minute: he knows that I'm having an unknown something? That sounds strange, doesn't it? But I keep my cool – I understand it's a system error: "What kind of error is it?" In return he asks (you cannot get a straight answer out of this guy no matter what!), "Do any of the files you are uploading have a '+' or a '-' in their names?" "No," I say, "they don't. I know that that's not allowed. In fact, one of the scans originally had dashes in the name, but I deliberately renamed it before the uploading." That was foolish of me to volunteer all that information. Because now he goes, "That doesn't matter, the system still knows that the dash was there."
Really, dude? I ask, "Are you telling me that this FSA processing site is capable of recognizing in MY computer that a file USED TO have dashes in its name?" He confirms, "Yes, that's correct." "Not the size of all the attachments, but the expunged name? Are you sure?" He confirms again. Okay, humor me: "So, how can I remedy this?" "Log out, shut down your computer, reboot, and then you should be able to upload your receipts," he advises.
Bill Cosby is definitely on my mind today, because it was him who said "as ridiculous as some things may sound, there come desperate times when you are ready to try anything." My rational mind did not believe for a single second that it would work, but it was a proposition of a quick fix and time is of the essence. So, after I'd hung up, I followed his suggestion.
Of course, it didn't work! What did you think? The guy pulled that tech recommendation out of his ass! Didn't even offer to stay on the line with me to see if it was going to work! Who does that? I'll tell you who: unqualified, unprofessional, poorly trained, half-asleep, semi-retarded bitches that pervade our lives.
The right thing to do at this point would be to delete the original claims and file them in two batches instead of one. Then call the tech support, find a supervisor (I noted Steve's full name)… But my time is more important, so instead I downloaded the entered info into a claim form, put it together with the receipts, and did what we used to do "back in the day": faxed everything over. You don't get a time-stamped system receipt that way, but it worked – I've got reimbursed in three days.
Meanwhile, the stupidity went unpunished. Oh, well, we let go of things like that on daily basis. What appalls me the most, though, is the audacity of this people! You are called "Support," for crying out loud! Someone in need calls you, you feed them some bullshit, hang up, and go on with your life? And you get paid for it? How do these people leave with themselves? How do they go to sleep at night? I have no clue. I know I never worked like that. I simply couldn't. But I bet it's much easier to be Steve. I'm sure he never pushes his personal interests aside.
Quote of the Week: A Business Owner’s Reaction to a Typical Banker
From an actual email:
"Frankly, I left our meeting here on Monday with the conviction that you attended under duress but would otherwise rather have been doing pretty much anything else. PNC is a month behind every other bank, and we used up considerable goodwill with these entities to secure you and Alberto a seat at the table. No other bank has been treated so deferentially, which PNC earned by being our lender in the past three years. However, watching you play with your phone in your lap during our meeting and appearing otherwise bored suggested to me that there was a huge disconnect between what we have been attempting to do for PNC and how it is being perceived."
Business Owner
Federal Reserve, Economists, and The Wall Street Journal Blame Frigid Weather for Nonexistent Recovery
Yesterday was the deadline for reporting first quarter fiscal results: I filed financial statements and supplements with lenders and such; various US government agencies released their data to the public. Everyone was on time. The difference is that I take my job seriously and can substantiate every single digit I report, while the national economists have nothing better to do than look at the numbers in front of them in total bewilderment and spit out funny bullshit.
The Wall Street Journal's online edition titled its summary of quarterly results U.S. Economy Starts Year With a Whimper - a great title for a parody sketch, but no, it's a "serious" article with a grave first sentence:
"U.S. growth nearly stalled in the first three months of the year, fresh evidence that the economic expansion that began almost five years ago remains the weakest in modern history."
I don't read WSJ anymore but the article was forwarded to me, and it makes me wonder whether the person who sent it did so specifically to elicit my indignant bitterness! Well, she failed: I cannot get angry about this fucking shit anymore. I react with questions: What growth?! What expansion?!! Started when?!!!
I've said it before and I will probably need to say it many times again: THERE IS NO RECOVERY!!! This weak whatever we are witnessing is THE NEW REALITY!!! How I wish for these people to wake up and throw their outdated economic concepts, models, and notions out of their high-floor windows! And, to tell you the truth, I don't really trust the numbers anymore either. My naked eye tells me they are falsified: They say GDP (I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY ARE STILL USING THAT METRIC!) grew 0.1% in the first quarter? I say it probably contracted by 5% or more.
But that's not the funniest part. According to economists quoted in the article, "harsh weather likely slowed first-quarter business investment." Really? Not the lack of the world-wide market demand for US products, but the weather? Let me tell you, the coldest city in the world is Yakutsk, Russia. Only Antarctica registers colder temperatures. You know what it's famous for? Diamond mining – it's responsible for 1/5 of the world's production, freezing weather or not.
Furthermore, cold weather "could have even blocked exports—which notched their sharpest decline since the recovery began—from reaching ports." Hmm, let me see. First-hand info: My import/export client had 62 shipments coming to and going from US ports (Bayonne, Savannah, Houston) in the first quarter. None (!) of them experienced any delays.
And are you confused? By definition, exports leave our cold American ports, not reach them. Obviously these business commentators don't know (who hired them?) that boats with exports go the other way – to foreign lands. FYI, according to Global Analysis of National Climatic Data Center, the combined average temperature over global land and ocean surfaces in January was the WARMEST since 2007 and February tied with 2001 for the 21st highest record ever. So, nothing could've blocked our export shipments from reaching their overseas destinations.
But, of course, the thing that stupefies these people the most is the consumer spending. Bitches cannot force themselves to believe that people have no money to buy shit. So, they again blame the weather for the smallest gain in consumer spending on goods since 2011. Yet, the poor frozen bastards had no choice but to spend more on services, including energy to heat homes and health care. Aha, the moment of truth:
"If not for the increased spending on health care and utilities, the economy would have contracted in the first quarter."
Dudes! Make up your melons! Was the "frigid weather" bad or good for your numbers? Or did it actually have very little impact on our new-world economy?
Creative Marketing, or The Frustrated CFO Attends Louis XIII Legacy Experience
General public, constantly bombarded by advertising campaigns from TV screens, Internet sites, pages of periodicals, billboards, transportation exterior, etc. is rarely aware of the fine correlation between the commercials it is forced to absorb and the economic nature of the products being promoted to them. The majority of consumers don't realize that Mad Men, both real and fictional, are after the largest chunk of their disposable incomes – the money spent on what's known in the economic science as "normal" goods, i.e. every-day necessities with a moderate income elasticity of demand.
In plain words it means that when people's wealth increases, the demand for the normal goods increases at a slower than income rate. It's not like you are going to start using twice as much detergent if your salary doubles, but you may switch to a more expensive brand, which supposedly delivers cleaner and brighter clothes. And that's why commercial sequences look like the war of brands: Progressive vs. Geico aka Flo vs. Gekko; Advil vs. Alive, Post vs. Kellogg's, etc.
On the other hand, marketing for "inferior" goods (i.e. those for which demand decreases as income increases) is basically non-existent. It would be a waste of the advertising budget to promote items that sell themselves anyway because they are the cheapest in their product groups. For a store-brand quart of milk at 99 cents you don't even need too much color on the packaging. On the other hand, to sell a quart of the fancy Farmland Special Request Skim Plus Milk for $2.99 you need it to stand out on the shelf in its purple lettering and black cow spots.
What about even fancier, extraordinarily expensive items? The ones labeled by the economists as luxury goods, for which demand inexplicably increases more than proportionately when income rises? We don't see much advertisement for them either. Yes, from time to time De Beers injects a bit of its A Diamond Is Forever campaign into various media. And on a rare occasion you can catch on TV one of those sexist (targeted exclusively to men) Porsche commercials. If you are a tennis fan watching one of the Majors you get to see Roger Federer in a Rolex ad… rarely.
But, have you ever seen a broadcast spot for a $12,000 Chanel suit? A $350,000 Harry Winston diamond necklace? A 73-foot ocean yacht (about $1.3 mil)? A Bentley (average price $200,000)? Louis Roederer Cristal Rose 2005 ($600 a bottle)? How about a public notice for the upcoming Sotheby's Fine Art auction?
One may think, "Well, if I had this kind of money, I would've found those things." Who doesn't want a yacht with a polished mahogany stateroom? Or a rare car? Yet, it would be a mistake to think that these items don't require any form of marketing or that they are above competition. Yes, rappers drink and rhyme about Cristal, but according to many experts the champagne that can really blow your mind is Dom Perignon White Gold Jeroboam, which can demand an auction price of $40,000 per bottle. Imagine that you can afford it – how would you know about its existence? These products are exclusive rarities that occupy narrow niche markets. Hence, they call for innovative, targeted marketing tailored for creating brand awareness.
Enter Remy Martin Fine Champagne Cognac (est. 1724) and it's most privileged drink – Louis XIII cognac. Blended from 1200 eaux-de-vie aged from 40 to 100 years, in very special 300-year-old oak barrels hidden in a secret cellar in Grande Champagne region of Cognac, France, and, when deemed ready by the Cellar Master, bottled into proprietary Baccarat crystal decanters – this is as high-end as brandy can get and its price reflects it: a "regular" bottle goes for $3,000 and limited editions (such as Rare Cask or Black Pearl) can fetch anywhere between $22,000 and $44,000 per bottle. And I can personally vouch that it worth every penny. I mean, that shit will spoil you for life: you try it and you don't want to drink any other brown-colored grape liquor no more.
It was the fast-growing and hungry for new clients EastWest Bank who invited me to participate in the cognac's exclusive (20 people) degustation event jointly hosted by the bank and "the brand ambassador" (i.e. a good-looking English-speaking Remy Martin's representative) in a building in SoHo formerly owned by Charging Bull sculptor Arturo Di Modica and temporarily converted to accommodate the Louis XIII presentation. It was an installment in Remy Martin's marketing campaign called Louis XIII Legacy Experience, which has been on the World Tour for six years, rolling through the cities with major concentration of wealth – New York, Los Angeles, London, Dubai, etc.
This is how it works: In each location, the brand's representatives contact high-net-worth individuals, heads of private financial institutions, high-tech moguls, distributors of other luxury goods (Ferrari and Porsche dealerships are always targets), etc. and offer them an opportunity to host an exclusive event for their most important customers, prospective clients, business partners, or other wealthy friends. The price tag… NOTHING!
It's truly a marketing tool. What Remy Martin gets out of it is: 1.) The brand recognition through introduction of the drink to people who may never heard of it before; 2.) Additional entries in their contact list – one of the leggy hostesses meets you at the entrance with her iPad and asks you to share your business card and/or an email with Louis XIII; 3.) Spot orders of both "standard" and special-edition bottles of the famous drink - I know for a fact that before our event was over all Rare Cask and Black Pearl bottles on display were sold.
With no price tag attached, what does the Experience offers to guests?
The event starts with a gathering/mingling part. In our case, quite excellent Piper-Heidsieck champagne (with refills) was passed cocktail-style accompanied by extraordinary finger-food trays (I wish I knew who the caterers were), while people talk to each other, looked at the displays of special Louis XIII, and read leaflets about the silent auction of silkscreens and lithographs made in Andy Warhol's Factory, which lined the walls of the drawing hall (an NYC-specific added benefit).
After that you are taken to a screening room (red semi-circular couches) for a presentation of a film that tells the story of Remy Martin and its highest-priced product. Next, we were led to the underground level (a fortunate feature of this particular venue – it looks like a cellar with exposed brickwork and arches), where a surprise display was revealed: an actual 300-year-old barrel, previously used to age the cognac for 100 years and now retired due to its diminished quality.
Over this artifact a 750-ml bottle of Louis XIII de Remy Martin was opened and pored into the proprietary Baccarat glasses (if a group is larger and/or more valuable to the organizers, Le Jeroboam, 3-liters-full, is used). Warning you not to down your drink right away, the "ambassador" gives a mini lesson on the proper tasting of the dark-amber liquid. Let me relate the first bit: like with many other drinks, you start with the nose. The difference is that, instead of trying to squeeze as much of your face into the glass as you can, you experience your first nose of this incredible cognac at the stomach level. As a person with chronic respiratory aggravations, I was very doubtful - I didn't expect to smell anything. But let me tell you: the power and the complexity of that aroma… It will probably take me extra 100 words to describe it.
While recovering from the magic of swallowing the drink, you are invited to place an order for your own bottle of Louis XIII complemented by two glasses of the same type you are still holding in your hand. With that comes a special perk from the ambassador: if you order a bottle from him you get your initials engraved on the decanter.
I know that on some occasions the Legacy Experience rolls into a dinner, but for us that was it. Still, what an amazing adventure! Thank you, EastWest Bank! Everyone leaves feeling incredibly grateful to whoever invited them to participate in this memorable gathering.
Are you grasping the commercial meaning of this? This is genius! Nothing short of a double-impact marketing: Remy Martin broadens its brand awareness and sells some of its ultra-expensive booze, while the co-hosts, being the actual invitors, make a lasting impression and raise their customers' satisfaction.
In this predominately business crowd, one guest of a guest was an artist. And, of course, she was the one who has recognized the familiar traits in the creation of Louis XIII cognac: a single person, the Cellar Master (presently, Pierrette Trichet – the first female to hold the position), relying purely on her talent and experience, selects, blends, and combines eaux-de-vie to create a drinkable masterpiece - that's art. Well, it takes one to know one. All I can say is that bringing a luxury product to a proper audience is not a trivial task either and the Legacy Experience is as good as it gets.
The Frustrated CFO 