Tag: CFO

“The King’s Speech” Illustrates The Frustrated CFO’s (and Mark Twain’s) Point


11154473_detThose who have been reading this blog since its start, hopefully remember this early post about my personal tools of frustration release.  The first method on the list advised to go into an isolated place and let your frustration out with the worst curses you know.

More recently, I posted this Quote from Mark Twain,  emphasizing the same notion.  The great writer, who found humor even in the rumors about his death, also found solace in profanity.

Whether consciously or subconsciously, everyone recognizes the power of cursing.   We use it far more frequently as an expression of physical pain, anguish, anger, and frustration, than as a deriding instrument.  People curse at themselves, at their lives' circumstances, at the damned table corner always in the way.  Most of the time they do it when they are completely alone and nobody can hear them.  They do it because it is an intuitive tension-release mechanism.

Case in point – Oscar-nominated The King's Speech, based on a true story.  Prince Albert (always fantastic Colin Firth), had a speech impediment caused by multiple childhood psychological traumas.  Because of his position, the future King George VI was in the public view and, through the popularization of the radio, in the public ear – stammering and all.  It made him an object of ridicule even before the abdication of his older brother David pushed him into the throne of British Empire.  

For many years he sought help of different doctors and linguistic practitioners.  Finally, he meets Lionel Logue (even more fantastic Geoffrey Rush).  This unorthodox, way-ahead-of-his-time speech therapist worked with post-traumatic WWI veterans and understood that acquired defects are psychological in their roots and have to do with fear and tension. 

Mr. Logue takes on the Royal patient.   His methods are designed to remove the stress that causes his charge to stumble over the words.  He has a lot of tricks up his sleeve: breathing, exercising, singing and, of course, cursing are all used as means of frustration release.  The movie wonderfully shows how the speech center in His Majesty's brain has much easier time dealing with difficult sentences after the fear rides out on those few "dirty" words.   Thus, it illustrates my point that if you find yourself chocking with anxiety, profanity helps.

Sadly and ridiculously those few oaths caused the movie to be rated R.   I mean, 13-year-olds, can hear more curse words on their way to school.  Now, the entertainment media talks about the Weinstein brothers deciding to cut those therapeutic outbursts out in order to "re-introduce" The Kings Speech with PG-13 rating.  I have no clue why they want to do that.  The movie has already grossed nearly 900% of its budget.  Some people say that it will not take anything away from the story, but I strongly disagree.  It is an integral part of keeping yourself functional in this stressful life – for a king, a writer, or a CFO.

CFO Folklore: When Your Boss’s Secretary Becomes His Girlfriend


Here is a sensitive and complex topic – it involves people's personal lives and therefore should not be anybody else's business.  Yet it affects our work environment and impacts employees morale.  Always!  There are no exceptions.  

It is not a rare occurrence either.  In the past I had a boss who was seduced by his secretary and ended up leaving his family.  In another company I had to fire a general manger to avoid a possibility of sexual harassment law suit, while the company's owner was on his second marriage to a woman who was his former secretary.  And the list of stories I've heard from my colleagues, associates, subordinates and just friends is endless.

The nature of the boss/secretary professional relationship by itself has a somewhat intimate connotation.   They are near each other in the office space.  All day long the secretary attends to the boss's needs, frequently takes care of his personal matters, stays by his side when he works late.  Add to that the fact that most secretaries nowadays are younger women, as the class of "career personal assistant" is disappearing.   Plus, there is the appeal of power and a possibility of material benefits.  All this together creates an undeniably fruitful environment for trysts.  Hell, we have wonderful independent movies about it.



      

Unfortunately, it is not as much fun when you actually have to work with this in your face.

I frequently repeat in these posts that private businesses are absolute monarchies.  Historically, every single Royal figure had his or hers favorite,  i.e. an "intimate companion of a ruler," or, as OED defines it "one who stands unduly high in the favour of a prince."  The contemporary "rulers" are just upholding this "fine" historical tradition.

The key here is the unduly power bestowed on the favorite.  Again, I don't care about people's personal lives.  I really don't!  Moreover, if favorites were working ten times harder and their attitudes were twenty times nicer, I would consider that an improvement. 

However, that is not what usually happens.  In reality boss's secretarial lover stops working altogether.  I witnessed a hiring of an "assistant to personal assistant" to patch the hole in the workflow.  They become arrogant and acquire nasty disposition towards other people in the office.  Frequently they get promoted to managerial jobs they are not qualified to perform with salaries they didn't deserve.

In a small business, even with 500 employees, that's hard to hide.  Well, as a CFO or a Controller, you have your own powers and you don't really need to bother yourself with this unless she starts infringing on your scope of command (sadly, that happens too).  And yet your position exposes you to the unfairness of the situation in the most explicit way: you are the one who has to sign off her 50% raise; you are the one who has to approve her 12 weeks a year vacation time; those are your direct reports that get mistreated by her.  

Talking about terrible frustration!   

The Infinite Wisdom of Trey Parker and Matt Stone


ImagesI have two confessions to make.

First of all, I have been a fan of Trey Parker and Matt Stone since the premier of the first episode of South Park on August 13, 1997 – nearly 14 years ago.  I love everything they've ever written themselves (note to those who don't know: they did not write BASEketball, which I hated) and my feelings for them were only further solidified in Eugene O'Neill Theater two weeks ago, when they nearly killed me with The Book of Mormon.

I count them among a small number of the most brilliant people in entertainment and consider their satiric abilities unmatchable.  But it's not just that.  They are incredibly sharp intellectuals, which, in my book, is probably the biggest compliment.  They just get shit like only very few people do.  And don't get me started on the courage – these two do not bow their heads in front of anybody: whoever deserves it, gets it.  It's really breathtaking.

The second thing I have to admit is that I am sick and tired of people still (for nearly three years now) asking me the same questions about the Global Financial Crisis (aka Credit Crunch).  Just the other week someone wanted "to pick my brain" about it again.  So, I started explaining (again!), trying to make it simple, but still using unavoidable terminology so familiar to my fellow CFOs and Controllers, but apparently still a foreign language for the laymen: federal reserve rates, sub-prime lending, securitization, predatory lending, blah, blah, blah… I am looking into the man's eyes and see no understanding of what all of this has to do with his pension fund.  Why am I doing this? 

And then… Eureka!  "Margaritaville!!!"  In the aftermath of The Book of Mormon, I re-watched a few of my favorite South Park episodes, including the blessed Episode 3 of Season 13 (2009), Margaritaville.  The boys did it better than all analysts on screen or in print (of course!), but more importantly, they made it comprehensible like nobody else can.  As always, they managed to marry their uncanny perceptive powers with the  signature concise delivery, which resulted in the most  brilliant analysis and summation of the bizarre economic situation. 

So, please people, don't ask me anymore about this.  Click on the video below and you can have a four-minute taste of the Misters Parker and Stone's genius, and then go to THIS LINK and enjoy the full episode, so generously provided for your viewing by SouthParkStudios.com.  

And if you still don't get it, then, pretty please with the sugar on top, don't talk to me anymore – I don't have time for your lame asses. 

 

CFO Folklore: Dealing with F@&ing Lawyers


Blog image As CFOs and controllers, we are constantly exposed to a variety of legal documents: security and financing agreements, leases, employment contracts, NDAs, new ventures formation, demand letters, term sheets, etc., etc.  And even though most of the financial professionals I know, including myself, are well-versed in these matters and can write a decent legal document themselves (hey, you cannot even get an MBA without taking Contractual Law), or at the very least can fully understand them, we are forced to deal with attorneys: a CEO feels more comfortable if he gets a bill. 

Hello!  This is business law.  We are not talking about defending anybody in court on murder or ponzi scheme charges, or suing somebody for fraud!  So, here is what usually happens.

Scenario 1:  I compose a document or construct an agreement outline addressing all necessary points, and send it to the corporate attorney.  He comes back with either, "This looks good," or he takes my points and, without changing anything, puts it into the format that he didn't even create himself – nowadays they all download templates from Blumberg's Law Products, which anyone can do.  A couple of weeks later I get a $2,000 bill.

Scenario 2: We receive a contract (let's say a Credit Line Agreement), I read it, make a long list of all the points that I believe need to be further negotiated with the bank, and send the contract with my list to the corporate attorney.  He comes back with, "I agree.  Let me know when it's ready for my final approval."  A couple of weeks later I get a $2,000 bill.

Ahhhhhh! 

Of course, there are special occasions when the intricacy of legalese needs to be explored and attorneys must be involved.  But, why the hell it's so intricate, anyway?  Doesn't it seem like a conspiracy to justify $450+/hour rates?  In organizational management we are always taught that some employees deliberately confuse their records to make themselves indispensable: nobody else can figure out what's going on.  Sounds familiar?

And the arrogance!  I can only think of one other profession that can compete with lawyers on the level of insolence – doctors.  They have no respect for anyone expect themselves.  Well, I am willing to forgive a cardiologist who has a courage to hold a human heart in his hands, or a neurosurgeon who may need to drill into my brain one day. 

But these legal MoFos?  The complex of knowledge I possess is far greater than that of any specialized attorney I know.  I ask, for example, if there are grounds for fiduciary violation in a case, and he ($550/hour) responds, "I have to look it up."  Yet, they dare to be condescending nevertheless!  Just last week a lawyer sent me a retainer agreement and wrote in the cover note, "It's a bit formal, but I hope you will understand it."  Are you fucking kidding me?!  I have four academic degrees and 20 years of executive experience (and he knows), and my own retainer agreement for consulting services, which I wrote myself, has more substance than your copied bullshit.

The worst thing about them, though, is that fucking professional camaraderie.  Try to talk to an attorney about a harm caused to you by another lawyer.  You think you are going to see fairness so wonderfully shown on "The Good Wife", or any other of those TV court dramas?  Nope!  They stop listening – THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT IT!  That's why ABA had to create grievance committees and appoint people who are obligated to review the complains, because otherwise there wouldn't be anybody you could tell about lawyers' violations.  Why do you think legal profession is not regulated by any government agency?  Because the legislature consists mostly of legal professionals.  They will never do anything against one another.

In "Philadelphia", just before dying, Tom Hanks (a gay attorney) tells Denzel Washington (another attorney who just won a discrimination case for him) an old joke: "What do you call a thousand lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?  A good start."  They both like the joke.  Denzel's character even repeats it to someone else right away.  A very hopeful movie in many respects: the case is won, a formerly homophobic Mr. Washington's character finds in himself to defend a gay guy, AIDS-ridden Mr. Hank's character dies knowing he won, and his partner (played by Antonio Banderas) is somehow is not infected.  And the lawyers like the joke!!!  Very hopeful, very far from reality.            

Woes of an Overwhelmed CFO


This quote has been attributed to different people, frequently (and erroneously) to even Andrew Jackson, but in fact it was John W. Raper who said,

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it." 

Oh, man, he sounds healthy!  What a laid-back guy!  No pressure gets to him?  Where do you get that kind of attitude?  I want some.

Because, in professional life of a frustrated CFO or Controller having lots to do and not doing it spells disaster, anxiety and depression, not fun.  As the matter of fact, "not doing it" is frequently a symptom of a psychological condition experienced by high achievers with multiple responsibilities. 

Images Have you been there, in that scary place?  There is so much to do, your subconsciousness tells you that there is no way all these things can be done by you.   Your entire being refuses to embark on all these tasks – you stop doing everything.  You are so overwhelmed you become paralyzed.  Everyday you tell yourself that tomorrow you will get on with it, and then you close your door and play solitaire all day.  In other words, you are on your way to a fully blown burnout.

And if you work in a small or mid-size company, no outside help is coming:  there are no Employee Assistance Programs or Stress Management Trainings.  Nobody will even notice that something is wrong.  You are on your own! 

But, wait a minute…  First of all, take a fucking Xanax and force yourself to use the moment of relaxation it gives you to not do anything at all, but think about your situation.  Do it NOW! 

Aren't you the self-reliant person who always handled your own problems and overcame all obstacles in front of you.  How did you get here in the first place?  How did you come to occupy this executive position?  Where is that person?  There must be some grains of him/her left in you.

Now, take your favorite yellow (or gray) notepad and write down all those tasks that terrify you so much – beats playing computer games.  This very long list is your basis.  Now start the next list. Title it "Delegate" and transfer here all those tasks you can delegate to your subordinates, or other departments.  Every time you list an item to delegate, cross it out on the main list. 

And don't tell me you cannot delegate anything – this is an emergency, you can and you must!  If you are a one-person show, this is the right time to talk to your boss(es) about hiring help.  Go to them with both lists – they might "surprise" you by saying they had no idea your were so overwhelmed.

The remainder of the base list needs to be further divided into four parts:  

  1. Top priority (today and next three business days)
  2. Short-term plan (next two weeks)
  3. Long-term plan (next six to eight weeks)
  4. Tentative plan aka the back burner (next 4 months, or so).

The only list you are going to look at now is that much shorter Top Priority list.  Calculate how many tasks you have there – let's say 8.  If you work like me, your working day is at least 10 hours.  The 4 business days allotted to this list is 40 hours.  This means you have 5 hours for each task.  That's it – start working on the first one.    

Still cannot do it?  Then you are in need of serious help – find yourself a good doctor.

You can find more advice in this post Time Organization as Anti-Frustration Tool.