Tag: social awkwardness

What’s Up with the Weather Talks?


ImagesA knack for making small talk is a valuable social skill.  Only when we speak to people who are close to us (family, friends, coworkers), or completely transient (sales people, customer service reps), we can direct a conversation straight to the subject matter.  And it's not a simple following the polite protocol either: The opening banter became a custom pretty much in all cultures because it is natural for most humans. 

Barely a handful of people have absolutely no psychological barriers  regarding social interactions and feel comfortable in any environment.  The rest of us can always use some warming-up, some beating-around-the-bush.  It is necessary for all parties involved because it lets us step over the initial awkwardness.  While it helps a lot in private communications, in business  it's simply mandatory.  

One must always keep in mind, though, that the diapason of topics acceptable for small talk is not that broad.  And it varies depending on your audience.  The idea is that it should be something trivial enough for the person on the other side of the conversation to find an easy response.  That is why, sports in general and football in particular is the natural choice for the heterosexual-male crowd: they are on common ground there, even if they root for different teams.  Female execs, such as myself, have no choice but to familiarize themselves with the subject of football in order to keep up with their male peers.

Do you remember Mike Nichols's The Birdcage?  The hilarious small-talk lesson aka "How about those Dolphins?" moment?  When prepping his partner (Nathan Lane) for the meeting with an ultra-conservative right-wing politician, the South Beach cabaret owner (Robin Williams) goes straight to the subject of Miami Dolphins – the most natural ground-softening topic for a white male chauvinist.   Conversely, when you talk with a homosexual men, you will be better off discussing Broadway's latest Tennessee Williams starring Zachary Quinto.

The pervasive demands of political correctness made the small-talk "safety" into a concern.  Many topics of common interest for the majority of people are considered absolute taboos – politics and religion are the first on the list.   Some issues, while not completely prohibited, are still qualified as "dangerous territory."  Nowadays, people rarely ask the kids-and-family questions  – they fear the possibility of opening a can of worms: divorces, adoptions, sexual orientation, stands on the women's choice, population issues, autism, etc.

Entertainment used to be a relatively safe harbor, especially television.  But there is too much of it now: some programs cater to millions, while others are intended for relatively small audiences.  It's never guaranteed that you will find mutual cultural interests with some new business acquaintance.  So, many people avoid it. 

Yet, the WEATHER is somehow still the first thing that pops out of everyone's mouth – on the phone, when shaking hands in the meetings, after ordering food at business lunches, and around the proverbial water cooler. People still think that because we are all exposed to atmospheric conditions it's an easy topic.

Well, I think it stopped being a "safe" topic long time ago. 

It's September 28th in NYC (it's in the NORTH-east, in case you didn't know), yet it's 74 fucking degrees outside!  The forecast indicates that it will be 79 on Wednesday and 80 on Thursday!  And it's not like the air is summary.  No, it's the unbarricaded UV rays – so hot, they fry the Earth.  (And the fucking UN's environmental commission just published a report yesterday saying how it's now scientifically proven that humans are responsible for "at least" 50% of the global warming!)  I am unpleasantly aware of this sun while walking down Broadway in the Financial District.  Yet, the guy walking right in front of me turns to his girl and says, "What a gorgeous day!"  Are you kidding me?  I want to kick him; I want to swing my handbag real hard and land it on his head!  No sir, it's not a safe topic for me.

But there is more:  Nowadays, it seems to me that everyone is desperately clutching to conversations about the weather out of fear that they may betray their dissatisfaction with Life; not just to the others, but to themselves.  Moreover, they rather blame the weather for the way they feel than face the truth.  I came to this realization when I noticed that people started resorting to the "weather talks" even when there is no need for any ice-breaking.

At work I'm constantly exposed to people: they call, I call; I have internal and external meetings, lunches, dinners; people keep their office doors opened and you cannot help but overhear their conversations.  And it's all day long: "How's the weather over there?" and "It's very cloudy today, but they promise a lot of sunshine tomorrow!" or "Aw, the mornings are getting chillier – I will have to get my coats out."  Why the fuck everyone wants it to be warm and sunny all the time?  Because that's going to make them feel better?  We are supposed to have four seasons!    

If you are as bitchy as I am, you can try to see what happens when you stall the weather talk and get real for a hot second.  In the middle of a wonderfully gloomy day, after an unpleasant marketing meeting, one exec deliberately crossed the hall from her office to mine only to say, "Oh, my God!  This weather really brings me down!"  My response was: "Yes, life is depressing, and sunny days are scary to me."  She acted literally like a fish out of the water – her mouth silently opened and then closed; she turned on her hills and swam away.  Hopefully she will think about it before blabbering about weather next time, but I'm not holding my breath.         

Trying to Impress by Talking Too Much? Ur Doin It Wrong.


Images-1 Life screws with people: neglectful parents, inconsiderate spouses and partners, selfish children, boorish bosses, and disdainful co-workers create scores and scores of attention-deprived people desperately seeking approval.  Most frequent manifestation of this subconscious desire is excessive, out-of-place talking – lengthy stories with self-boosting subtext. 

This type of behavior is usually classified as social awkwardness.  I don't know a single person capable of keeping a grip on himself under any circumstances.  Once in a while certain conditions come together and something activates the stupid switch even in the most brilliant people.  I've seen some pretty impressive humans falling into this mode during lectures, important meetings, fundrasing parties, and social gatherings. 

During 2010 New York's World Science Fair, I attended a panel Consciousness: Explored and Explained with the screenwriter Charlie Kaufman (Being John Malkovich, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Adaptation) and the neuroscientist Giulio Tononi.  It was monitored by the actor and director Alan Alda (better known as Hawkeye Pierce of M*A*S*H) – a fairly smart guy who got close to popular science by hosting PBS's Scientific American Frontiers.  One concept that Giulio Tononi has described was too much for Mr. Alda to grasp.  He restated the scientist's words once, was corrected, then again, and again.  Finally, he realized that he wasn't getting it, but he couldn't help himself – he kept talking, and talking, and talking…  

Hey, sometimes I catch myself doing it and thinking, "What's going on?  Why am I relating my interpretation of A Streetcar Named Desire to this uninterested person?" But only very self-aware people are capable to recognize the symptoms and stop themselves.

Consequently, the degree of this affliction widely varies.  In some people it gets triggered by a selected audience (sometimes even one particular individual), or specific circumstances.  I had a sort of a paralyzing effect on my boss of two years ago.  He would be acting his aloof self around everybody else, but every time he would come to my office, he ended up ranting.  Eventually, I became wary of starting even super-important discussions with him.  It was always, "Let me tell you,.." and we would be off on an absolutely irrelevant tangent.  At one point he was telling me that he shares a surfing coach in East Hampton with Gwenyth Paltrow and Chris Martin.  I kept thinking to myself, "I am not impressed, dammit!"         

In many people this trait blows up to extreme proportions: people simply cannot stop themselves.  They don't need any special circumstances or triggers – they grab every chance they get to talk, even if they have nothing to say.  In public these people are usually extroverted, talking non-stop.   The overwhelming popularity of Facebook and Twitter is the testimony to the pandemic proportions of verbal diarrhea.

In social situations you can simply walk away, or turn your phone off to stop seeing three tweets per minute.  However, you cannot do the same at work.  You have to deal with it one way or another.  Ok, so not everyone can find the right way to tell their bosses to shut up.  And my advice – don't do it.  Even if it seems that you've done it in the mildest way possible, they never forget it.  And, as we all know, no one can hold the grudge as long as bosses do.  On the other hand, when it comes to your peers or subordinates, the issue must be addressed if it interferes (and it does) with the normal course of a meeting, an assignment, or a working day.

The best way to approach it is with a friendly private talk.  Most likely the person is not aware that what he is doing is an obvious display of insecurity, and that people recognize it as such.  Explain to the person that he achieves the exactly opposite results: while trying to impress and seeking approval, he gets co-workers and supervisors annoyed.  To earn this person's trust, you can share your own experience in similar situations (just like I did here).  Most importantly, tell them that the best way to make a difference and get appreciated is by doing the best job they can.