Three weeks ago, my 81-year-old father had to go to a hospital for angioplasty. Truth be told, I'm not a big fan of my parents, but the tearful monster of the inevitable guilt demanded my dutiful attendance there.
Aside from keeping company with someone who is forced to be in a scary medical place, where everyone's job is to cause you pain and discomfort for the sake of possible betterment, my presence there was actually useful in multiple ways. As sharp as my Dad still is and as good as the hospital staff turned out to be, the situation does call for a third-party facilitator: faster paperwork and check-in, better understanding of medical terminology, firmer grasp on the authority structure, timelier requests for assistance, etc. – little things that help. I hope they did.
(I have to make a CFO's aside here. In the past 30 years I've observed and directly dealt with many profit, non-profit, and government organizations, in professional capacity and as a functioning individual; in different countries around the world, in various social and economic systems. Based on my cumulative personal experience, I am strongly inclined to conclude that Mount Sinai Heart – the internationally celebrated cardiology division of Mount Sinai Hospital – is one of the most organized, efficient, smoothly functioning business establishments I've ever seen, with the most sensible technology utilization to boot. Considering that most of our existence nowadays takes place in the vile swamp of unmanaged laziness and pervasive unprofessionalism, being there was like a breath of fresh air. I honestly didn't think that it was possible to have such an experience in our times.)
Everything went quite well and we were getting discharged in the early afternoon of the day after the procedure. All documents that my Dad needed to take with him, for his personal records and to pass onto his referring doctors, were organized for him in a folio: surgeon's summary, nuclear images, blood work, EKG's, follow-up instructions (i.e. important documents) in the right-side pocket; hospital's legal documents, releases, disclaimers, general recommendations for cardiac patients (i.e. generic bullshit) in the left-side pocket.
I checked thoroughly everything on the right and glanced through the other side without intending to actually read anything there. But a sheet of paper right on the top of the left-side pile caught my attention. Not I only did I read it, but I also pulled it out of the folder and kept it, because it contained
Seven Tips for Healthy Living
- Move More
- Cut Fat
- Reduce Stress
- Wear Your Seat Belt
- Floss Your Teeth
- Keep a Positive Mental Outlook
- Drink Plenty of Water
First, the list amused me with its glorious banality and brevity. I mean, all that sophisticated and extraordinarily expensive research and diagnostic equipment in the hands of doctors with international renown and exorbitant fees – and it all comes down to just these seven items?! Where do I even start or end? We are being fried by the unfiltered UV rays all year round. We breathe the air that exponentially increases annual asthma statistics. Everyone has some sort of an allergy and the skin conditions have intensified to the point of Desonide shortage on the market. We don't know what we eat anymore. Yes, there is information on the packaged food, but there is none on the tomatoes or any other loose vegetables. Even if they carry the "certified organic" stickers, do you really trust USDA? By the way, what about smoking, drinking, overmedication? Is all of that less important than flossing? That's hilarious!
On the second glance, the list bewildered me by its ambiguity and the fact that even as is, with all those missing pieces, it's absolutely unattainable.
Okay, maybe I'm over-thinking it. I showed it to someone incredibly level-headed and unruffled. She was curious and unfazed: "Is this in order of importance?" she asked. "Well, dear, I cannot really fucking tell!" Let's say it is. Some people I know would be appalled by the bottom placement of the water consumption. Others (also personally known to me) would rejoice in seeing that their running two miles a day at a sprinter speed for the past 50 years appears to be at the top of the list.
But I personally would definitely like to ask for more clarification. And not only about the ranking of the tips. Move more how? Any type of movement? Running, walking, flapping your hands in exasperation? Fat – cut it down or cut it out? All kinds of fats? What about the ones that help the absorption of vitamins and nutrients? And are people okay holding their phones in their hands while driving as long as they are wearing seat belts? Even flossing! After every meal like I do; once a day at night; before or after brushing?
Never mind the individual interpretations, however! At least items 1, 2, 4, 5, and 7 can be actively controlled by a person striving for a healthy living. But the numbers 3 and 6 are totally different animals altogether! Any doctor who gives a "reduce stress" advice is an equivalent of an accountant whose business recommendations amount to "buy low and sell high." Dah! Any other bright ideas? There are so many factors that contribute to our stress levels, it would be stressful even to attempt listing all of them. You can meditate for an hour, decompress, and whatever, but you cannot stop your mind from reacting to your reality: as soon as the first thought about your life, and never-ending obligations, and overwhelming responsibilities, and guilt, and uncertainties creeps onto that clarified canvas, the stress is back on!
And don't even get me started on the Positive Mental Outlook! Look around yourself – you literally have to be mental to be positive right now. Didn't you notice how the people with supposedly the most positive of outlooks, i.e. pregnant women with small children in tow, actually look completely deranged?
So, let's not worry about the silly list from the famous hospital. I choose to believe it to be a joke from some humorous nerd in the hospital's administrative offices. The good news is that we most likely don't need to work too hard on trying to stay healthy anyway. The probability of the damage we caused this planet hitting us back real hard with one or another pandemic extermination is way too high. And I'm pretty sure that doctors know that as well.
The Frustrated CFO 